Sunday, September 26, 2010

Protip: If you're going to steal a car with a stick-shift...

http://www.gazette.com/articles/police-105279-teens-saturday.html

You should probably know how to drive said stick-shift.

I realize it's a lost art in this country (as evidenced by all the Amazing Race contestants who seem completely baffled that the cars are manuals when they get over to other countries - seriously, shouldn't that be Amazing Race 101 by this point?  Sort of like learning how to start a fire before you go on Survivor?) but still - it's not that hard to determine, before you steal said car, whether or not it's got a stick.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

F U Protesters!

So last week, we had some jackass decide his way to effectively protest was to drive his big red tractor to the Capitol building, and the White house, and other various locations in DC.  And, he plans to continue this until Senate recesses in October.

http://www.streetinsider.com/Press+Releases/Week+2+of+Black+Farmer's+Tractor+Ride+to+Washington/5982423.html 

Really?  THIS is your method of protesting?  Inconveniencing those of us who are just trying to get to and from work every day?  Here's his quote:  "I'm sorry my tractor may slow things down, but any delay in traffic is small potatoes compared to the years of delay black farmers have endured in our pursuit of justice"  Oh really?  Because those of us stuck in traffic because of your stunt really have ANY ability to influence Congress and get what you want done?  We (generally speaking) are just as fed up with Congress as you are!  So, making me late to work accomplishes what, exactly, asshat?  But it's okay, you're riding around in your big ass red tractor named "Freedom", so obviously you're more important than the rest of us.  


On the first day of this "event" I didn't realize he was protesting (in fact, I thought it was just some jackass who decided to ride his tractor into DC - which really wouldn't be surprising based on the fact that no one here can f-ing drive, and they don't enforce traffic laws) so I definitely hit the horn, passed him, cut in front of him, and flipped him off.  Yup, that was me with my middle finger extended through my moonroof.  That's my protest of your chosen form of the same, f-er.  


Then yesterday and today there's some OTHER nondescript protest going on that closed 7th street and other streets nearby during the evening rush.  (A giant convoy of asshats in wheelchairs and illegible signs, protesting I know not what... apparently they do this every year so their protest must be pretty unsuccessful.)  Traffic in the evenings isn't bad enough around here, we need you making it worse?  And, somehow, they have a police escort!  MPD, enforcer of no traffic laws (or any laws, for the most part) - HELPING them make their protest more visible.  Brilliant!  And, mind you, I'm not saying anything about the fact they're in wheelchairs - I don't care WHO it was protesting, I'd complain just as much.  


MEMO TO PROTESTERS:  We can't do anything about whatever your cause du jour is.  We are just as powerless as you are to change whatever it is you want changed.  But making it a pain in the ass for us to get to or from work is certainly not a good way to make friends and influence people.  (And it's not like Mr. Tractor wouldn't get pushed out of the way by a motorcade if a Congressman really needed to get somewhere.)  You're not accomplishing anything but pissing the rest of us off, asshats.



Saturday, September 11, 2010

"Because I don't want to stay here... anymore!"

Since it seems none of my co-authors have taken the opportunity to post today, I will fill the void, as usual.  I feel that, 9 years later, everything that needs to be written about September 11th has been written, re-written, discussed, regurgitated, and repeated, ad nauseam, so I have no intention of doing that here.

Instead, I'd like to take the discussion in a new direction - literally.  What 9-11 should have reminded us, beyond a reasonable doubt, is that at the moment, humanity's eggs are all in a single and very fragile basket.  That basket is of course Earth.  The loss of lives on 9-11 should not be trivialized, and should not be dismissed - and that is not what I am trying to do here.  The 2,996 innocent individuals who died in the attacks was a tragic and senseless loss of life.  Of that, there is no question.

But there are several disasters, some man-made, some natural, both of which could result in the end of humans on this planet - all 7,000,000,000 of us.  In the first category we have nuclear weapons, global warming, and WWIII, to name a few.  In the latter category we have super-volcanoes, massive earthquakes, asteroid strikes, and ice ages.  The dinosaurs ruled this planet until one day out of nowhere (as far as they were concerned) an asteroid smacked the planet and they went quickly extinct.  That's why we're here.  Asteroid strikes are the rule, not the exception.  Even today, while we can detect some of them, there are no guarantees.  If there was a two-mile wide asteroid headed for Earth that we did not or could not detect (assuming we couldn't launch Bruce Willis in time) we're all screwed.



This is why the manned space program is important.  Yes, robotic exploration is wonderful.  Yes, the ISS is an achievement and certainly has helped our understanding of long-duration spaceflight.  BUT, and it's a huge but - we cannot currently get a single human being off this rock and out of Low Earth Orbit ("LEO").  Not a single one.  On December 19, 1972, Apollo 17, the final lunar landing mission splashed down in the Pacific, and we haven't managed to leave LEO since.  We've got to reach for the stars again - unless of course we want to find ourselves like the dinosaurs.  All this progress, all this advancement, all could disappear in a single, bright, ejecta-spewing flash.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Audit to show VDOT sucks; in other news, sky still blue, sun still hot

http://www.wtopnews.com/?nid=557&sid=2048079

This has been a big week here for the Angry Gentlemen. First, Allstate
confirms DC drivers are the worst in the country. Now an audit report
will "make national news" about how poorly managed VDOT is. We're 2
for 2!

Next someone will suggest dissolving NASA and replacing it with an
agency actually interested in human space exploration, and we'll hit
the trifecta!

*looking around suspiciously* Now where's the fourth horseman?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Allstate Presents... DC, you SUCK!

http://www.allstatenewsroom.com/releases/4654-sixth-annual-allstate-america

Congratulations, Washington DC.  As I've long suggested right here on this blog, your drivers are the worst in the entire United States, 193rd out of 193 cities ranked in the study.  In fact, you're almost twice as likely to get into an accident (95.5% to be exact, of Relative Accident Likelihood to National Average) by entering the confines of the sh**hole that is our nation's capital.  And Baltimore, our neighbor to the north, is 192nd.  *golf clap*

Maybe MPD should get off its ass and actually enforce the traffic laws.  But that's much more difficult than say... doing nothing, and letting the cameras do all the work.

(And for those of you who complain about New York drivers... 159th, and only 28.6%.  Not bad for a city of 8 million people and cabbies who actually get you where you want to go in a reasonable amount of time.)