We the sheeple!

"I will not sacrifice the Enterprise.  We've made too many compromises already, too many retreats.  They invade our space, and we fall back.  They assimiliate entire worlds, and we fall back.  Not again.  The line must be drawn here!  This far, no farther!  And I will make them pay for what they've done." - Capt. Picard

An Answer to a Question Nobody Asked

Hippies rejoice! That is, if you live in the United Kingdom. Toyota has decided to foist a limited edition Prius onto the British market, replete with graphite rims and privacy glass. The package also includes a body kit, important to assist with aerodynamics when you approach such blistering speeds over 45mph. Here's a picture of the monstrosity:



How much you ask? It will be on sale for the equivalent of $41,636 USD. Granted, cars tend to be a tad more expensive in Europe due to Value Added Tax (VAT), but even still, the price differential between the basic shitbox and this special edition can't be blamed entirely on VAT. I hope Toyota hasn't entirely resolved the faulty brakes issue with their cars. I say this because I wish the folks who ante up for this smug mobile go crashing through the charred walls of the damned, straight to hell, for buying such a hideous vehicle.

Memo to the green Ford Explorer

Hey, genius - passing a car waiting to turn left on Constitution
Avenue this morning, BY GOING INTO ONCOMING LANES and passing him on
the left is a great way to Darwin yourself, your fugly wife passenger,
and anyone who has the misfortune of driving near you. This is not
Grand Theft Auto, asshole!

MPD - how about some enforcement out here before people start dying,
you worthless sacks of pig shit?

"People are just f-ing dumb"

My nominee for honorary member of the League of Angry Gentlemen?
Kerry King, Slayer guitarist. I could not agree more with the source
of his inspiration:

"The stupidity of humanity... is what fuels my fire. People are just
f-ing dumb. In all aspects of life, be it at a ballgame, an airport, a
bus station, you have to interact with people and people are so
inherently f-ing stupid. I harbor that. It's something that happens
every day. I'll be like 'I'm in a great mood. I'll never make up
lyrics today.' Just go out and mess around with people for a couple
hours and come back fueled for the fire."

Welcome to the League, Mr. King.

Things I Could Do Without in My Life: Sports Commentating

It's piss and moan Monday, folks, so let's talk about something that's chapped my ass for a long time. Sports commentators. With both the NLCS and ALCS in full swing, we're getting an up front view of just how bad these hacks are. Take that asshole Joe Buck for instance. Here's a guy who got where he was because of his daddy and is clearly uninterested in America's favorite past time. He also knows nothing about the Philadelphia Phillies and the team's history, despite having called their games for years now.

While John Madden is borderline senile (stating that a team needs yards adds nothing to the football experience), Buck is more or less the consummate pessimist. He always finds a way to throw a subtle negative comment in there. Watching his diarrhea of the mouth around the 7th inning stretch is akin to that spectacular crash on Tuesday around 11AM after a long weekend of ingesting methamphetamines.

For good measure, here's my pal Artie Lange ripping on Buck's train wreck of a talk show, Joe Buck Live. Remember when Chevy Chase had his own talk show? Buck makes him look like a regular fucking Cronkite.


BobsBlitz.com Provides Artie Lange on Joe Buck Live
Uploaded by bobsblitz. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

Wow, that really IS an annoying commerical!

Consumerist, a bit late to the table, but nonetheless:

http://consumerist.com/2010/09/wow-thats-a-shtty-ad-staples-commercial-voted-worst-ad-in-america.html

Some of you may remember I commented on this very ad waaaaay back in April:

Wow, that's an annoying commercial!

Glad to see America agrees with me.  Now if only they'd read it here first!

Protip: If you're going to steal a car with a stick-shift...

http://www.gazette.com/articles/police-105279-teens-saturday.html

You should probably know how to drive said stick-shift.

I realize it's a lost art in this country (as evidenced by all the Amazing Race contestants who seem completely baffled that the cars are manuals when they get over to other countries - seriously, shouldn't that be Amazing Race 101 by this point?  Sort of like learning how to start a fire before you go on Survivor?) but still - it's not that hard to determine, before you steal said car, whether or not it's got a stick.

F U Protesters!

So last week, we had some jackass decide his way to effectively protest was to drive his big red tractor to the Capitol building, and the White house, and other various locations in DC.  And, he plans to continue this until Senate recesses in October.

http://www.streetinsider.com/Press+Releases/Week+2+of+Black+Farmer's+Tractor+Ride+to+Washington/5982423.html 

Really?  THIS is your method of protesting?  Inconveniencing those of us who are just trying to get to and from work every day?  Here's his quote:  "I'm sorry my tractor may slow things down, but any delay in traffic is small potatoes compared to the years of delay black farmers have endured in our pursuit of justice"  Oh really?  Because those of us stuck in traffic because of your stunt really have ANY ability to influence Congress and get what you want done?  We (generally speaking) are just as fed up with Congress as you are!  So, making me late to work accomplishes what, exactly, asshat?  But it's okay, you're riding around in your big ass red tractor named "Freedom", so obviously you're more important than the rest of us.  


On the first day of this "event" I didn't realize he was protesting (in fact, I thought it was just some jackass who decided to ride his tractor into DC - which really wouldn't be surprising based on the fact that no one here can f-ing drive, and they don't enforce traffic laws) so I definitely hit the horn, passed him, cut in front of him, and flipped him off.  Yup, that was me with my middle finger extended through my moonroof.  That's my protest of your chosen form of the same, f-er.  


Then yesterday and today there's some OTHER nondescript protest going on that closed 7th street and other streets nearby during the evening rush.  (A giant convoy of asshats in wheelchairs and illegible signs, protesting I know not what... apparently they do this every year so their protest must be pretty unsuccessful.)  Traffic in the evenings isn't bad enough around here, we need you making it worse?  And, somehow, they have a police escort!  MPD, enforcer of no traffic laws (or any laws, for the most part) - HELPING them make their protest more visible.  Brilliant!  And, mind you, I'm not saying anything about the fact they're in wheelchairs - I don't care WHO it was protesting, I'd complain just as much.  


MEMO TO PROTESTERS:  We can't do anything about whatever your cause du jour is.  We are just as powerless as you are to change whatever it is you want changed.  But making it a pain in the ass for us to get to or from work is certainly not a good way to make friends and influence people.  (And it's not like Mr. Tractor wouldn't get pushed out of the way by a motorcade if a Congressman really needed to get somewhere.)  You're not accomplishing anything but pissing the rest of us off, asshats.

The Best "Shut the Fuck Up" In the History of the Universe

"Because I don't want to stay here... anymore!"

Since it seems none of my co-authors have taken the opportunity to post today, I will fill the void, as usual.  I feel that, 9 years later, everything that needs to be written about September 11th has been written, re-written, discussed, regurgitated, and repeated, ad nauseam, so I have no intention of doing that here.

Instead, I'd like to take the discussion in a new direction - literally.  What 9-11 should have reminded us, beyond a reasonable doubt, is that at the moment, humanity's eggs are all in a single and very fragile basket.  That basket is of course Earth.  The loss of lives on 9-11 should not be trivialized, and should not be dismissed - and that is not what I am trying to do here.  The 2,996 innocent individuals who died in the attacks was a tragic and senseless loss of life.  Of that, there is no question.

But there are several disasters, some man-made, some natural, both of which could result in the end of humans on this planet - all 7,000,000,000 of us.  In the first category we have nuclear weapons, global warming, and WWIII, to name a few.  In the latter category we have super-volcanoes, massive earthquakes, asteroid strikes, and ice ages.  The dinosaurs ruled this planet until one day out of nowhere (as far as they were concerned) an asteroid smacked the planet and they went quickly extinct.  That's why we're here.  Asteroid strikes are the rule, not the exception.  Even today, while we can detect some of them, there are no guarantees.  If there was a two-mile wide asteroid headed for Earth that we did not or could not detect (assuming we couldn't launch Bruce Willis in time) we're all screwed.



This is why the manned space program is important.  Yes, robotic exploration is wonderful.  Yes, the ISS is an achievement and certainly has helped our understanding of long-duration spaceflight.  BUT, and it's a huge but - we cannot currently get a single human being off this rock and out of Low Earth Orbit ("LEO").  Not a single one.  On December 19, 1972, Apollo 17, the final lunar landing mission splashed down in the Pacific, and we haven't managed to leave LEO since.  We've got to reach for the stars again - unless of course we want to find ourselves like the dinosaurs.  All this progress, all this advancement, all could disappear in a single, bright, ejecta-spewing flash.

Audit to show VDOT sucks; in other news, sky still blue, sun still hot

http://www.wtopnews.com/?nid=557&sid=2048079

This has been a big week here for the Angry Gentlemen. First, Allstate
confirms DC drivers are the worst in the country. Now an audit report
will "make national news" about how poorly managed VDOT is. We're 2
for 2!

Next someone will suggest dissolving NASA and replacing it with an
agency actually interested in human space exploration, and we'll hit
the trifecta!

*looking around suspiciously* Now where's the fourth horseman?

One Day Into This Short Holiday Week, And This About Sums It Up For Me.

Allstate Presents... DC, you SUCK!

http://www.allstatenewsroom.com/releases/4654-sixth-annual-allstate-america

Congratulations, Washington DC.  As I've long suggested right here on this blog, your drivers are the worst in the entire United States, 193rd out of 193 cities ranked in the study.  In fact, you're almost twice as likely to get into an accident (95.5% to be exact, of Relative Accident Likelihood to National Average) by entering the confines of the sh**hole that is our nation's capital.  And Baltimore, our neighbor to the north, is 192nd.  *golf clap*

Maybe MPD should get off its ass and actually enforce the traffic laws.  But that's much more difficult than say... doing nothing, and letting the cameras do all the work.

(And for those of you who complain about New York drivers... 159th, and only 28.6%.  Not bad for a city of 8 million people and cabbies who actually get you where you want to go in a reasonable amount of time.)

Virginia DMV: FAIL!

Apparently the Virginia DMV computer system (along with various other
Commonwealth computer systems) has now been down for a week. No
driver's license renewals are possible.

However, as of today, our brilliant state government decided to start
exempting tickets to people for having licenses that expired in the
last week. (For tickets written earlier in the week, even though it
was the same problem? Too bad, so sad, tell it to the judge.) While
I am a firm believer in being prepared, and not waiting until the last
minute to get things done, since in my line of work that's a good way
to not see tomorrow, it's really unfair to those citizens who are
accustomed to popping online, hitting "renew" and going on about their
day.

Maybe this is how VA plans to close its budget gap! "Sorry, your
license/permit for XYZ activity has expired. Sorry, there's currently
no way to renew because our computer systems are down. Here's your
Violation Notice. Please pay $200. Sorry, no ETA on when you can
renew. So you will remain in violation and continue to be fined until
we get around to fixing it. Have a nice day!"

Most citizens direct interactions with their government at both the
state and federal level are minimal. However, why is it that EVERY
state and federal agency seems to become more and more incompetent as
the years go by and their budgets tighten? There is no better way to
encourage anti-government rage when the average citizen begins to
loathe, with good reason, every interaction with their "duly elected"
and apparently wholly incompetent government, be it federal, state or
local.

Welcome to America, land where we used to be free, used to be brave,
and now we pretty much just bend over and take it, especially from our
government.

My New Favorite Hobby...

Submitting comments to federal agencies for the Federal Register. Let's see how many four letter words I can let slip through the cracks! My first missive is directed towards the Environmental Protection Agency in response to their ridiculous new fuel economy labels for new cars (see my post earlier today):


Dear EPA: I'm glad to see that my tax dollar is being well spent on asinine projects like this fuel economy label. No doubt countless man hours were spent thinking up these fancy new graphics. Exactly how many pieces of silver is required these days to encourage the average EPA employee to screw in a light bulb?

There are some glaring oversights with the proposed labels. First, the labels for electric and hybrid vehicles fail to account for any kind of long-term cost involved with the replacement or servicing of the battery. Anyone who uses a cell phone, laptop or even something as simple as an electric razor knows that battery performance decreases with use over time. With decreased battery performance comes decreased driving range for electric vehicles (EVs). Besides the performance of the battery, when it comes time to replace it for a new one, what are the monetary and environmental costs of battery disposal? This is not accounted for on the revised label.

Second, the following statement in the update is troubling: "Despite several requests to put the charging times for EVs and plug-ins on the label, the agencies left it off, since they have no standards for measuring it." Nothing screams “politically motivated” more than that statement. Is it really that hard to calculate charging times? The last time I checked, this can be figured out by dividing the capacity of the battery by the charging current power output of the charger.

Third, why do these labels remind me of the terror alert chart? Did you all consult with the guys over at Homeland Security on this project? Why does the EPA think the American public is so mentally challenged that we need colors and grades to make an informed choice about what is, for many, the second most expensive purchase one will make? There are a million other sources of automotive research at our fingertips besides the EPA Fuel Economy labels that can help steer consumers towards a wise purchase.

Then again, this whole proposal makes sense because of one simple feature on these new labels: the QR code for smart phones. For those without a Mensa membership, it is a convenience relied on by many as an intermediary between themselves and reality.

Screw Carmax. This is car purchasing made simple...

Hold on to your hat. Below is what the bureaucrats decided to tackle this week.

Revised fuel economy rating stickers for new cars! Check them out here, and leave your comments on the ruling for the feds!

Revised Fuel Economy Labels

An example of one of the proposed stickers:



In other words, green means bad (Prius), orange means good (Maserati). Sweet. Makes it a whole lot easier!

We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You A Message From North Korea...

Public Policy 101 by Captain Diplomacy

You ever wonder why no one cares about politics anymore? Have you read the news lately? Note, I said READ because TV news is purely for entertainment purposes. I avoid talking politics 99% of the time because it is too divisive. However, it's gotten so bad that I had to say a few words. As usual, I will not bitch without offering up a solution, no matter how controversial. Consider it my short treatise on government:

1) You can't print money without side effects. It's not a matter of if, but when inflation will hit when the monetary supply increases. I like to use the following analogy...you can eat as many bananas as you want. Eventually you'll have to take a shit. It won't be pretty. Until the housing beast is dealt with, either in terms of writing off the debt or a bunch of people taking it on the arm as they should (i.e. those who bought shit they knew they couldn't afford), well, we're going to continue to have, as Kurtis Blow would say, hard times. And those are the breaks.

2) Before you vote on some shit, for Christ's sake, learn how to pronounce it correctly (i.e. nuCLEAR versus nuCUlear). Solution: take a goddamn grammar course you imbeciles.

3) Term limits. Two or three four year terms would be enough, allowing for an elected official who loses after their first term to come back and try again in the future. A classic example of played out politicians is Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania. After almost 30 years and losing the primary, he's still whoring himself out to try and land a gig at 1600 Penn. Ave. Yo pal, take a hint, no one in Pennsylvania wanted your ass anymore. Same with Charles Rangle in New York. Forty years of parlor tricks and using rent controlled apartments for business purposes just isn't enough. Had to come back for more, EHHHHH?

4) Voting the other way doesn't solve anything. Anyone who says "OH I'm going to vote Republican this time around and everything will get better" is a fucking idiot. Vote for who represents your values the best, regardless of party. And folks, haven't you noticed that every four years it's that same damn carousel of choices? Voting is like choosing between airplane food and hospital food. They both leave you with the same aftertaste and bad side effects.

On a visit to Austria in 2008, I was intrigued that Parliament was dissolved because they were deadlocked. Yet, a month or two later, things went back to normal, elections were held and business resumed. An enema like this is just what Congress needs right now. Shit, no business has been going on there for quite some time. They're always jammed up worse than the infamous Thanksgiving constipation of 2006 that I endured. So let's move beyond this two party bullshit, dissolve this ineffectual body and get some more perspectives to sidle up to the table.

5) Before you raise taxes, look at your spending first. The last thing you want to do is piss off the electorate who voted your ass in that sorry seat in the first place. As an example on a local level, let's look at my home, Philadelphia. Just this week they announced that bloggers would require to register for a business license, which would cost $300 for a one time fee or $50 a year.

This FU tax comes at a time when an insurance company settled for $250,000 in a harassment case involving the embattled Housing Authority chief, Carl Greene, who, oh, by the way, just defaulted on the mortgage of his over $615,035 house and was recently in to the IRS for a little over $50,000. Did I mention the guy makes $306,370, with a $44,188 bonus? That is more than Mayor Michael Nutter, Governor Ed Rendell and Housing and Urban Development Chief Shaun Donovan.

The cycle of abuse doesn't end with Greene. The director of the Philadelphia Free Library, Siobhan Reardon, makes close to $200,000 a year at a time when library services are being scaled back and branches are being closed. This leaves knowledge-hungry students with no place to go after school. As a librarian myself, this both pains and insults me. But wait, there's more. It was just reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer that the School Superintendent, Arlene Ackerman collected six days of vacation pay ahead of schedule. This comes on top of a $338,000 annual salary and $65,000 performance bonus. If she stays through next June, she'll get a $100,000 retention bonus.

Dignity needs to be restored to public service. These people are no better than common mafia shylocks, running the streets and shaking people down for a sawbuck when they can least afford it. As long as this behavior continues, I will have absolutely no respect for this government of ours. I love the United States, but I hate this government. We've gotten off track and need to steer it back in the right direction. Until such a correction happens, onward goes this (#$%&*%) thing of ours.

Screw Hybrids in the HOV

To the bitch in the hybrid Lexus SUV on the Dulles Connector Road early this morning who decided that the point where one lane drops off is a good opportunity to pass me when I'm moving as fast as traffic will allow without ramming the car in front of me: F-YOU.

If I had an older car that I cared just a little bit less about, and had a little less regard for my own safety, I would have boxed you out and ran your ass straight into the m-fing guardrail, hopefully with the intention of you flipping your Lexus over and watching as it burst into flames, Hollywood style.  Speed limit in the construction zone is 45.  You pulled your stunt at about 80, in traffic, with no room for error, and running out of daylight as your lane dropped off basically into my car.  And then I watched with amazement as you cut in and out of traffic, causing near-misses and people to slam on their brakes each and every time, down the length of the Connector.  But before you managed that, I hope you enjoyed me riding your @ss, brights flashing, inches off your rear bumper.  You wanna play?  Let's play, bitch.  My car outperforms your sloppy-handling, high center of gravity hybrid - and I sure as hell can out accelerate you.  And you obviously couldn't judge quite how large your precious Lexus was.  Was that a little fear I detected behind those sunglasses as you kept checking your rear-view mirror?  Hmmmm?  Little concerned maaaaaybe you'd pissed off the wrong hombre this time?

Whoever the hell thought "Let's give hybrids an HOV exemption!" in the General Assembly in Richmond needs to be sentenced to hell, aka driving to work in NoVA on "HOV only" roads up here now filled with smug self-entitled asshats like the bitch I encountered this morning, driving solo in their hybrids that get worse gas mileage than every single one of the non-hybrid vehicles I own.  This area now has more Toyota Prii per-capita than even San Francisco, and I assure you it's not because of the styling of the car (at least, I hope it's not) or the amazing performance.  It's for the HOV exemption, which was supposed to have expired years ago, but gets extended year after year after year by the General Assembly.

The Virginia General Assembly treats NoVA as its piggy bank, funding the rest of this bass ackwards, stuck in the 19th century "we put the SOUTH in SOUTHern" state.  And, year after year, the powerless NoVA delegation bends over and takes it up the pooper without lube, because they're powerless to do anything about it.  Our roads suck, our mass transit options suck, and of course our traffic sucks.  But there's 12 lane interstates around Richmond, and 4, 6, and 8 lane highways out in BFE, Virginia that get paved and then repaved every single year, because they have to spend the appropriated money on something.

To all the drivers of hybrids with the cute vanity plates like "HOV-1" , "I-66 4ME" , "EXEMPT1" - and to all the Prii that I slalom around every single morning on my commute to work as you go 54 in the left lane while another Prius goes 53 in the right lane right next to you, rolling roadblock style - one of these days, someone's going to have that older car, and that "screw this, I have good insurance" attitude, maybe they won't be having the best day, and they're going to get fed up and not take anymore of your bullsh1t.  And when that day comes, enjoy the flames, bitches.

Idiot Clients

Clients,

First, let me explain something to you.  You cannot pay us in kangaroos.  You cannot pay us in rice.  You cannot pay us in worthless stock, or worthless stock options.  You cannot pay us in pandas.  Or wallabies.  Or moose.  Or snow.  Or oil.  You can only pay us in cold, hard, american dollars.

Second, if you come to us asking for something as a client, be it an engineering design, production and implementation of that design, or assistance with the US regulatory regime for your chosen industry, we will do our very best to assist you.  We expect to be adequately compensated for that effort.  However, while we are experts in our field, we cannot express an opinion on the seven other fields for which you need assistance, and for which we are not qualified to express an opinion.  To do so would be not only misleading and lead to a poor outcome for you, but it is also malpractice for us.  It does not matter how many times you ask us an accounting question, or how many ways you ask the same question - we cannot answer it.  We are not accountants.  We are not doctors.  We are not stock brokers.  Because we are unable to answer these questions, that does not make us "unqualified" and does not relieve you of your obligation to pay us for the effort we've expended on your behalf, answering all the questions we are in fact qualified to answer and which we have dutifully fulfilled our obligation to answer.

Third, if you're in over your head, we will tell you you are in over your head.  Just because you received  advice from someone else prior to our involvement who may have sent you down the "wrong path" does not obviate the fact that we've done the work which you've asked us to do, and we expect to be compensated as such.

/end rant

Oh look, it's raining again!

Dear VDOT,

When trying to clear your ever-present construction zones (For the Dulles Metro, the HOT highway-robbery lanes, or whatever your pet project of the decade is) of storm water, you know where you should NOT direct the outflow pipes for the aforesaid storm water?  ONTO THE ALREADY FLOODING FROM POOR DRAINAGE ROADWAY.  Also, cleaning the storm drains and grates from the construction debris every now and then might help the situation.  I know, it's a novel concept... give the water somewhere to go and it will not form a three or four foot deep swimming pool.

Not only can you morons not figure out how to build a road with proper drainage, but you insist on pulling stupid stunts like this.  And then, to add to the misery, you have idiot Virginia drivers like these who apparently think their morning commute to work is like Oregon Trail, where they are supposed to try and float their car across the river.

To the asshole in the Saab...

...who was dogging it in the left lane at approximately 5:10pm on Wednesday, August 18, 2010, and then flashed his lights at me after I passed him in the right, UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AND I HOPE YOU DIE OF CANCER OF THE EYES.

And to anyone else in DC and the surrounding area that wants to fuck with me, I'll ride your fucking ass all the way home in the left lane, IN THE RAIN that oh so scares all of yooz, then get out of the car and bash your fucking knees in with my Louisville slugger so conveniently placed in my trunk.

Driving 101: Lesson Two

Question 1: There have been severe thunderstorms in your area, and
widespread power outages have resulted. You are on a six lane road,
and off in the distance is an intersection with another six lane
road. The traffic signal is dark. As you approach this intersection
do you:
A). Say to yourself "Hmm, no light. Cool!" and continue speeding toward it.
B). Slow down and proceed with caution through the intersection.
C). Treat the dark signal as a four-way stop sign.
D). Stop well in advance of the intersection, quaking with fear over
not knowing what to do.

The correct answer, my fellow asshats on the road, is C. That's right,
even you, Mr. Metrobus driver who thought the answer was A and almost
caused a multi-car accident in the process. I'm used to your disregard
for all things resembling traffic laws, so I anticipated your
shennanigans, but others less experienced than I in your asshattery
apparently did not.

Since Maryland has a power grid that fails at the mere sight of a
cloud, you'd think all these MD-tagged cars in DC would know the
answer to this question. But apparently not, even though it is in the
MD driver's manual. Of course, I'm not sure it's translated properly
in the Spanish-language version, so maybe that's the issue...

And, I'm not letting you off the hook either, Virginians. You're just
as likely to not be paying attention as you talk on the phone and
drink your coffee and not bother realizing the person in front of you
is stopping at said intersection. Or worse yet, hitting your horn
because you're an impatient me-first asshat who can't figure out why
the "moron" in front of you is stopping.
I hate sharing the road with 99% of you. To the other 1% - be careful
out there. Now, where's that turret?

Now watch this drive...

I'll admit, I've pulled some crazy shit on the back nine in my day. However, Charles Barkley and his golf swing take the goddamn cake.

UPDATE: Metro Access Van

Driving home from work today, I encountered a Metro Access Van going 35 mph in the LEFT LANE of Rt. 123. I got a nice little break in traffic and cut the jackass off with force.

Payback's a bitch, assholes.

Glad to see that WMATA is up to their usual hijinxs

Here's another entry for the annals of the Piss-poor Drivers' Academy. It was a typical Thursday morning other than the short, heavy rainfall around 7:30am. I was about to turn right onto Glebe Road from Fairfax Drive until, OH HI THERE, a Metro Access Van pulls out from a side street right in front of me and proceeds to block the turn lane for me and about ten other folks behind me. Meanwhile, there was a Ford Explorer taking up about two car lengths in the lane that the aforementioned public transport miscreant was trying to merge into. See rain soaked photo below for a detail of the cluster fuck in question:



The light turns green. Guess what happens next? The Explorer moves over to the turn lane after sitting around playing with himself for several minutes. Then again, the Explorer did have Maryland tags so I'll refrain from making any more fun because their citizens are mentally retarded.

Back to the Metro Access Van. Who uses these things? The ones I see are always empty. The van did have a number on it's rear door to call in with complaints. I decided I'd do society a favor and lay off, because if I would have called in, the end result would have resulted in the cops waiting at my apartment building this afternoon, just like how they came for Jet Blue attendant Steven Slater two hours after the incident on the tarmac.

the non angry post

Carnival you have exceeded my expectations! I was concerned as to your service your food and your patrons. I have to put a positive for all three. Although, you will never see this "Phillip the cabin boy" you rocked the house. I don't know how you work 12-15 hours a day and keep a genuine happy smile on your face! You made the day just a little bit better with your sunny disposition. Individuals stateside make 20 times the money and are miserable bastards. The only issue/glitch was that you had a poker machine vs a dealer. And guess what the freaking machine broke before i got a chance to play. To make things even better you didn't have a backup plan for the tournament. Although, this did allow for more quality time with the wife. Anyway, I plan on hitting the cruising style again due to the convenience the style and the Damn good food.
Sincerely

The angry happy edge!

Against All Odds...

I find it a coincidence that that particular Phil Collins classic came on the radio on the way to work today, as it brings up this blog's ever popular topic: driving. After spending 10 years commuting via subway to work in DC and Boston, it's a bit of a shock returning to my vehicle every day. However, the way the DC subway is running these days, it's a welcome relief.

That being said, there is a glaring lack of skill that I find with drivers in the DC/Northern Virginia area. They truly are getting in their cars everyday "Against All Odds." This goes beyond simple things such as blocking the left lane or the ever popular stop and merge. I'm thinking more along the lines of 90% (optimistic estimation here) of drivers around here should not be behind the wheel. I regularly see maneuvers that signal to me that the driver is either A) not aware or doesn't care who is around them or B) they are completely scared to be out on the road. Recipe for disaster.

I will admit that I was raised by a gearhead and in a family of automotive enthusiasts that dabble in sanctioned racing, including the Sports Car Club of America (SCCA). My father, while stationed in the Army in Southern Germany, started a road rally club for army personnel and locals and upon returning to the US, autocrossed a great deal with local clubs in the Philadelphia and Southern New Jersey region. It was during my formative years that I was instilled with a sense of responsibility about driving. While in the car, you must put 110% concentration on the job at hand and take things seriously. I was also taught how to parallel park in a 15 passenger Dodge Ram Van and also was enrolled in a defensive (on-track) driving course at 16 but those are stories for another time.

Driver training is something brushed aside these days; a lost art. How many times have you heard people say "I don't know how to parallel park." More often than you'd want to admit, I'm sure. How many times have you seen a soccer mom in a Chevy Tahoe pull a fast lane change and it appears the offending SUV in question may tip over? Classic example of not knowing the limits of gravity and your vehicle. When was the last time you saw someone signal across the intersection from you to help give you a clue of what would happen next? I thought so. These are folks who should not have a license, as they are a danger to themselves and others around them. I won't even breach the topic of how many of us know how to drive a car with three pedals these days....

Now, I'm not one to bitch and not offer a solution, so here you go. Abolish all the driving tests in each of the 50 states and start from scratch with one universally mandated test. I hear all the states rights people getting up in arms now, but we need to make this an efficient and effective process because driving should not be taken lightly. I'm envisioning a test similar to the one given in the Federal Republic of Germany, which includes a theory and practical test. These are much more comprehensive tests than the ones given in your local high school, though. They cover everything from highway driving and merging at high speeds to things such as operating a manual transmission. Also, licensing is graduated in Germany depending on skill levels and the tests that are successfully completed. In short, there are several hoops to jump through that ensure the trainee is getting the instruction required.

Along with a more industrial strength driving test, defensive driving courses should be a requirement. These courses would cover everything from skid control, handbrake turns and effective high speed cornering and threshold braking. I'm not advocating that everyone out there turn into a Michael Schumacher but having advanced car control strategies in your arsenal is more useful than one would think in everyday driving.

Along with these new measurements, drivers have to start taking driving serious, which means cell phone ban or not, get off the phone and concentrate on the task at hand. In car distractions are too prevalent these days and they are only exacerbated by these ridiculously complex navigation and entertainment systems we find in modern vehicles. Even though my car is three years old, I didn't opt for the navigation system because the last thing I need is my car talking back to me. Knowing how to read maps and having a general sense of direction is yet another lost skill. This is the reason why your fellow motorist just cut you off to zip across to the left hand turn lane. Map reading and route planning should be an integral part of the new driving test. Too many motorists rely an inordinate amount on technology to tell them where to go.

So there you have it. A few solutions to transform these shitty drivers in DC into slightly less shitty drivers. And the next time I hear someone tell me that I'm aggressive or drive way too fast, well, it is as simple as this. A famous actor once said "man's got to know his limitations." And well, I'd like to see those people merge effectively into 120 km/h traffic on the A8 just north of Munich. Amateurs.

Don't block the #!@* box!

So as you may have heard, last night thunderstorms swept through the DC area right around 3:30 PM. Those of you familiar with DC will realize that any form of precipitation paralyzes the region's roads and rails. This includes rain. It also seems that downtown DC's traffic signals are allergic to water - as soon as the first raindrops fall, they either switch to yellow/red flash mode, or just give up completely and go dark.

However, my asshat(s) of the day goes to the drivers who decided, despite the fact that it was obvious that they couldn't make it through the intersection, that they would pull into it anyway. Blocking THREE lanes of cross-traffic, including yours truly, from making it across the intersection and on down the (otherwise
completely empty) avenue. For FOUR or FIVE light cycles. I lost track as I was sitting on my horn pissed off at your "me-first" shelfishness. And, to the bitch in the Prius who put her hands up as if to say "not my fault!" - it IS your fault, you twatwaffle. Don't pull into the m-fing intersection unless your little toy car can make
it out the other side. Driving 101.

It is evenings like last night (when it takes me two hours to get home, instead of the usual 30 minutes) that make me long for the days when I drove an old beater. I would have seriously considered RAMMING
SPEED and just pushing the offending Prius out of my way, GTA roadblock-busting style. Of course, if DC's MPD actually gave a sh1t, they might actually enforce laws such as don't block the box, speeding, reckless driving, etc. But they don't.

Side note: In the event of any sort of mass "evacuation" of DC, we're all epically f-d. Rain paralyzes everything. You might as well park your car, walk to the nearest bar, and enjoy the fireworks show. At least you'd go out doing something other than sitting in traffic, staring at brake lights.

Lane Striping 101

Dear VDOT,
We drivers understand that you occasionally need to change the lane configurations to allow for construction projects. Lane shifts are par for the course in the many myriad construction zones for the HOT lanes and the Silver Line to IAD here in NoVA. However, if you're going to put down new lane striping, some free advice:

1. Don't do it free-hand. It looks like Kramer re-striped I66W inside the Beltway.

2. Remove the old lines!! The lane paint you use sucks as it is, and the lines disappear when it rains - but now there's two or three sets of lines that your distracted asshat drivers are trying to follow. A sea of brake lights inevitably results when drivers come upon your Jackson Pollock-esque interpretation of lane striping. Not to mention that some of the old lines now lead directly into Jersey barriers, which for some reason seem to intimidate the region's drivers just by their mere presence.

The summer vacation season when school is out and the federal government is in recess is usually the best two months of commuting we residents get. And this summer even that's been absolutely miserable. You and Metro should combine forces - the resulting vortex of incompetence and suckitude could destroy the Earth.

What were you thinking?

Okay, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted something. It's not that I haven't been angry about things, it's more that I’ve been busy dealing with the things I’ve been angry about. Let’s get things rolling shall we.

IT Server Rooms in most companies that have more than one computer, that little jimmy the president’s 13 year old son set up as a server, tend to a have a room dedicated to their secure living. These rooms also tend to be climate controlled to keep the hardware that generates heat, and don't work well while hot, cool. Our server room which houses around 10 servers over the past month has averaged a temperature of around 88 degrees with spikes upwards of 100 degrees for hours at a time. I've pushed for change. Pushed for a new AC unit just for the server room. I've Explained numerous times that Heat + Computers = Devastation. This all apparently fell on Deaf Ears. So for the past week I’ve been putting in a ton of extra hours trying to Fix a server and recover data from a 4 year old rack server that much like a union employee decided that the high temperature working conditions just weren't acceptable and stopped working.

IT is the backbone of almost ALL businesses these days, but the fact that the people in charge of these businesses were all born before computers they don't understand. Let’s have a thought experiment. If we were to take away all the computers in your company could you still do business? Some businesses will honestly be able to say yes to that question. However the follow up question of "Will you still be competitive?" will open the realization that you'd be out of business in a few months. So why would anyone not invest in the security and stability of their IT infrastructure is beyond me.

Maybe it’s the fact that I stay late, don’t collect overtime, and fix things before they make any end users lives miserable. I think that is going to change soon.

Dulles Toll Road - Closed - WTF?

Sometime after 6:00 AM this morning, the Dulles Toll Road (DTR) was
closed due to an accident involving a flipped over vehicle. For those
of you unfamiliar with the DTR, it's similar to an urban interstate -
controlled access, 55 mph speed limit, pretty straight, pretty flat.
Four to six lanes in each direction.

How badly must you suck at driving to flip your car over in the middle
of the morning rush on the DTR? It took over an hour to clear and
reopen. Brilliant!! They should fine your ass for the lost tolls, the
fire and rescue response, and as a deterrent. The Europeans do it, and
they're significantly better drivers for it. Having an autobahn in the
US would be a perfect Darwinian exercise crossed with a demolition
derby straight out of Deathrace. Hate to say it, but we'd lose quite a
few piss poor drivers and be the better for it!

But more importantly, my fellow commuters who I see on the road at 5
or 6 or 7 in the morning, talking on the phone - who the f*#k are you
talking to that early? Seriously, if my phone rings at 5 and someone
hasn't either just died or is being rushed to the hospital, you better
prepare for the "what the F are you calling me this early for?"
response. Shut the hell up, hang up the m-fing phone and DRIVE!!
And that goes double for all the teenagers who apparently, according
to a recent study announced out here, text while driving because
driving is boring. WTF? It's apparently much less boring dealing with
Mommy and Daddy's insurance company after you cause a multi-car
accident - after all, crashes ARE the most exciting part of driving!
(/sarcasm).

To the entire generation of distracted, shittastic drivers - screw you
all, asshats.

NTSB to Metro: UR D01N 1T WR0NG

As I read the NTSB report about the fatal Metro accident on the Red
line, one thing immediately jumped out at me. Perhaps because of my
line of work, but maybe not - the remarkable similarities to the
Challenger and Columbia space shuttle accidents. The
institutionalized cultural disfunction of both large, bureaucratic
behemoths is unmistakable.

Metro is a disgrace to the capital city it purports to serve. It
cannot even keep its station escalators functional, so an accident of
this magnitude was all but a foregone conclusion. And the constant
excuses heard from the Metro Board, Metro "Management" and Metro
"Customer Service" are all empty words. If I thought they'd
comprehend it or even read it, I'd consider writing and expressing my
displeasure, but what's the point? It's a bureaucracy with sovereign
immunity, so they don't care because they don't have to. "Life is but
a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon
the stage and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Which, in the end, is
the same thing Metro will learn from the NTSB findings... Nothing.

Hypothetical Situation

Alright kids it's time for some learnin'. Time for me to drop the knowledge bomb on your face. Let's play pretend. Let's pretend I'm a train driver, an engineer, in other words. My responsibility is to make sure the train, however large or small it is, no matter who or what it is carrying, stays on the tracks. Now let's continue this thought exercise and say I'm good at my job, like scary good. Like I'm the Tiger Woods of train driving without the awkward looks whenever the ex-wife drops off the kids for me to watch while I'm playing the back nine with some TGIFriday's waitresses... I'm a train idiot savant with more emphasis on the savant than idiot and definitely more on the train.

Now, no matter how good I am at keeping twenty tons of coal fired steel on the tracks between here and Portland, OR. No matter how many different engine configurations and specifics I know about trains. None of that knowledge will give me any special insight on anything else in the world. For instance, just because I'm great at being an engineer, that does not make me an expert on Indy Car Racing. Oh sure, these two vastly different things may have some superficially common factors, such as wheels...and...people being in them...but my train expertise does not translate into car driving expertise. In fact it would be ridiculous, downright ludicrous, if not outright PAINFULLY OBNOXIOUS if I started acting like I knew everything about Indy car racing to the point where I told other people how to drive and “win” at races. “Hey, Danica, I know you're supposed to be this really good driver and all, but you know you could go faster if you could blah blah blah blah.” That statement was so obnoxious, even in hypothetical, that I really couldn't finish it.

Are you with me so far? Good. That means you have that special something other people on this planet may lack. I like to call it common sense, being aware of what your strengths and weaknesses are, or, in other words, not being a Grade F Shipping Crate of Douche. Now, let's take it one step farther. Let's imagine that I'm not actually good at my job. I'm horrible at what I do, and yet I've become so far stuck in Delusionville that I've convinced myself I'm amazing at being a train engineer (which, incidentally, this train does stop at Delusionville, the place where no one has a drinking problem, everyone looks like an underwear model, and your political party is always right). I'm so bad and so deluded that I'm yelling at the other people in the train cars to get their job done right. I'm yelling at the diner car that their meat is undercooked. I'm yelling at the drink car that the drinks are too weak. Heck, I'm yelling at the caboose because it's not doing a good enough job of providing backup to the train. I'm so busy yelling and micromanaging these other cars that I fail to do my own job. You know, my job as a train driver... The one where I should have to maintain a safe speed, ensure the train is on the right track, make sure we're not going to fall off a cliff, etc. And when the train does go too fast, derails, and falls off the cliff, and kills a bunch of people whose fault is it? Oh no, it's not my fault as this hypothetically horrible, self-deluded train engineer, it's everyone else's fault for not doing my job. (FYI if the last sentence doesn't make sense to you, it's because...well look at the top of the paragraph)

Yes, sadly there are train engineers out there like this. Yes, they are dangerous and should be put down like rabid dogs. Unfortunately, in reality you can't do anything to deal with these horrible train engineers because people can't be killed for being stupid.

Want to know the worst part of all this is? People will still get on trains that this hypothetical, imaginary engineer is driving because they had to have learned from the last trainwreck. Right? Right....?

In closing. I'm getting a train whistle for my phone. Every time you hear it, another idiot has crashed a train...

twitter

Seriously how slow are you? Multiple!! I repeat multiple issues. I just want to upload a pic and your overcapacity. What are your servers measured in kilobytes? How am i supposed to spread my thought viruses around the world if you cant handle a simple update. (I like Mountain Dew yes i do! I like cat with hats you know that. This is about as much sense as TWEETING makes!!! I will further explore the madness of the Tweeting web in further postings. For now oh gentle twitter I smite you!!!!

You need to DIAF. No, seriously...

Pup Fan over at I Still Want More Puppies has put up the "Angry Gentlemen" signal (like the bat signal, but filled with more anger and rage!) and I'm happy to oblige.

So, this pathetic excuse for a dog owner at a Costco in Frederick, Maryland (aka "Stupid Bitch"), decided to go shopping for an hour and fifteen minutes on July 6th.  During that shopping trip, she bought pet toys/supplies for her dog, during which time Stupid Bitch left her dog in the car with the windows rolled up.  That's right, 104 degree day, she leaves the dog in the car.  Brilliant!  To top it off, she comes out of the Costco, discovers that her dog has effectively been cooked alive in her car, but is still clinging to life, and then proceeds to go stand in line and RETURN the pet supplies that she just bought.  You heartless m-fing @#!&.

Here's a link to the story:  Stupid Bitch.  And, based on this follow-up story:  Vindictive Much? it's anyone's guess what her true motives were, since apparently she got custody of the poor dog in a nasty divorce, and it was only finalized within the two weeks before the incident.  She finds the dog in distress, and her first inclination is to go return the pet supplies?  Something's rotten in Denmark, Frederick PD.

On the bright side, she's already 67, so hopefully her time left on this Earth is short, lonely, and miserable.  But I also have a problem with all the pussified Americans who must have walked by that car in the parking lot and didn't do anything about it.  Break the f-ing window.  Strap on a set of balls and save the life of an innocent and helpless creature.  Stop being passive bystanders afraid of lawsuits and liability and do something!

And as for Stupid Bitch, let's hope she's headed somewhere nice and hot in the hereafter.  But for now, Frederick County jail will have to do, assuming she's convicted of the multiple charges against her.  (And, Frederick County judges REALLY, REALLY hate criminals who are cruel to animals.)  Here's to hoping her shower gets "accidentally" stuck on maximum HOT at some point during her stay.  "Oops, sorry Stupid Bitch... the plumbing in this facility is really old... that happens sometimes."  DIAF.  And, welcome to the LIST, Stupid Bitch.

The shame count!

Okay kids, so it's come to this. Here's the running tally of our co-authors and their posts since the inception of the blog. The winner of the Clarence Thomas award for brevity is... *drumroll please* Angry Code Monkey! Welcome to the Hall of Shame!

Angry Rocketman: 17 18
Angry Edge: 8
Angry N1nja: 5
Angry Code Monkey: 1

It should be pretty obvious who needs to step up their posting game, and who does not.

[Edited at 8:47PM to account for new post by Angry Rocketman above - LOAG]

Ranting and Redesigning

Do you know what's difficult about having a co-authored blog? When your co-authors do not contribute to said blog! I mean, seriously, it's the summer, there's not that much going on... either there's not enough anger (doubtful!) or you all are just slacking. Let's pick up the pace, Angry Gentlemen. One post in the entire month of July so far? And only two in June? FAIL. Angry Gentlemen Enterprises will never reach Phase 3 at this rate!

To that end, I've redesigned the blog using a new template, allowing for more features and media-intensive posts. Let's do this!

NBAint

WELL WELL WELL!!! i can't win a championship Lebron how you doing? Oh, that's right I cant get away from you in the media. Will he go here, will he go there? the only thing I know is he ain't gonna win a championship so who cares. What type of egomaniac are you? you bail on your team in the playoffs and I am supposed to think your the best thing since sliced bread. King James more like the court freakin jester! wearing Jordans number are you kidding me? You aren't fit to sniff his crusty old jock strap!!! When will the NBA figure it out? You will lose your fans overtime with the massive contracts and the prima donnas! People hate this type of crap when they are struggling to make ends meet. Hopefully, we will have a lockout next year and your fall from stardom will be swift! good luck failing the next team you promise a championship!

Metrobus - Ignoring DC traffic laws since 1976

 A series of photos from my morning commute as a Metrobus makes an illegal turn from the very clearly marked "straight thru only" lane on Constitution Ave NW and 12th Street NW this morning at 7:50AM, cutting off the entire line of cars waiting patiently in the left-turn-only lane... I guess he decided he didn't want to/have to wait in the line like everyone else.  In the process, he took up an entire turn-light cycle to make his illegal maneuver, stopping others from legally turning.  He did kindly signal his (illegal) intentions, so at least everyone else knew to stay the hell out of his way, lest they get run off the road or into oncoming traffic on 12th street by his bus.

Congratulations, you're the asshat driver of the week!  And these are the asshats we're going to trust to run Metro out to IAD?  Good luck with that sh**!

Memo to IRS: SUCK IT!

So, here we are, twelve weeks after submitting our federal tax return (mandatorily) on paper to claim the first time homebuyer tax credit ("FTHC"). Apparently, "Upload PDF" is a concept too advanced for the IRS workerbees to handle. They force you to file on paper so you can include a copy of the HUD-1 to reduce fraudulent FTHC claims. Really? Who actually has the balls to do that???

The online IRS "Where is my refund?" tool first said June 2, then June 14, and then as of this morning "Call". Helpful, very helpful. It must be nice to have a job where you just move deadlines out when you don't meet them. "We're the federal government, we don't give a sh1t, because we don't have to!" So this morning I figured I'd call. The IRS says that one of their data-entry monkeys likely made a mistake keying in our (mandatory) paper return, and it got sent to the "Error Correction" division. For FOUR weeks. Yes, that's right. Four weeks to correct a data entry error on a two page form. Also, you force us to file on paper, and then one of your drones has to type all the information in anyway? Obviously, these are highly competent and efficient federal workers we're talking about...

But that's not all - it then takes an ADDITIONAL 4-8 weeks to issue the refund once it emerges from "Error Correction". So we're now looking at July or August "maybe"... And of course the agent laughed when I asked if they'd be paying interest on the money they've now had the pleasure of using for six months and counting. They "did not anticipate the volume of paper returns" - really, asshats? You force hundreds of thousands of people across the US to file on paper, and then didn't anticipate the volume? Maybe you should have conferred with the Department of State - they had the same "unanticipated volume" a few years ago when the rules requiring a passport to go pretty much anywhere outside the US went into effect. If you really, truly need something FUBAR-d, just involve the wholly incompetent federal government.

Wallpaper removal!

The Angry Edge's post below reminds me: a shout-out to the asshats who wallpapered the drywall in our dining room WITHOUT PRIMING IT FIRST. Now the wallpaper glue is hermetically bonded to the paper facing of the drywall at a subatomic level. Nice going, you corner-cutting morons! Way to make removing your (decidedly hideous) wallpaper much more difficult and perhaps even impossible without causing irreparable harm to said drywall. Know what I didn't want to have to do? Skim coat the walls or worse yet hang and tape new drywall. What is it looking like I will have to do? Exactly f-ing that! Asshats!

building a better home

Hey knucklehead who built my home. How about? I don't know? abiding by code and doing your job. I love starting a simple project like say installing a kitchen light. Only to find that your lazy behind dry walled in the electrical lines. To complicate my life and exacerbate your laziness you decide that (Well I'll just grab a knife here and cut a hole in the ceiling horizontally until i find the electric line) although you cut a line all the way to the stud did ya go the extra mile and install an electrical box? absolutely not that would be out of the question! Instead you put bolts in the ceiling and installed and industrial ugly fluorescent light! Its laziness like this why America is failing. People do a half ass job and expect praise for it! Once again i would like to thank the ass that failed my house. You forced me to make trips to lowes buy tools i rather not have purchased and spend 3-4 hours doing something that i really didnt want to do. And guess what i got to patch the hole you made and ill even get to paint the kitchen dining room kitchen and hallway. Why because its all connected you ass. What would have taken you 5 minutes retard!!! is going to take me a full day. Painters come through after electrical ass! Once again thanks

International relations, Top Gun style

To the minivan with diplomat plates on I-66 going 53 MPH in the left
lane who I finally managed to cut off and flip the bird through my
moonroof - "Welcome to America!". Now please learn to drive, or
return to the Middle Eastern nation that you obviously represent.
You're just lucky I didn't slam on the brakes so Uncle Sam could
purchase me a new ride.

If I had diplomatic immunity, I'd be rocking 100+ on the interstate,
not traveling below the speed limit and causing a giant traffic tie-up
behind my slow moving ass.

oil and apologies

Dear Mr. Obama i have some questions! I was watching on CNN that Supertankers(sitting in the middle east) could be used to clean up the oil draining into the American coastline. Where is the outrage? where is the promised change? Where is the democratic environmental party the party of the people raging against the corporations? Why are they not being utilized and throwing everything we can at this BP mess????? next up HOW DARE YOU apologize to Mexico under any circumstance! This is America... Do you think there might be a reason Arizona voted it into law? Ever used your brain and looked at what Mexico allows people who immigrate from the south of their borders. I am sorely disappointed!!!! Guess your stuck trying to run your specialized agenda and once again screw the people! I guess we will just happily give up our technological edges and watch as our shores become uninhabitable. Good job Mr. President thumbs up...

Waiting for Godot? Nope, just beer!

So I go to the local Giant to pick up some beer for the weekend on my way home from work. This is not an unusual occurrence. I'm over thirty, so the drinking age is pretty much a non-issue at this point, right? I don't usually get "carded" anymore, or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days - I certainly look 21+. Anyway, back to Giant - I've got the beer, and a few other items. Cashier looks like he's about 12, but he's the shortest line (self-serve checkout lanes were FULL with morons who apparently couldn't figure out how to use the machines, thus the cashier lane). Rings up the other items, asks for ID - I hand over ID - he checks it, punches in the DOB, hands it back to me, and then... rings the little "need a manager" bell. I'm puzzled, but figured whatever, maybe the register is having issues or something. A couple of minutes pass, people behind in line start looking forward with the annoyed "WTF?" expression on their faces, and I'm starting to feel like some sort of deadbeat whose credit card got rejected or I'm underage or something... especially since the kid offered zero explanation for what was going on, in fact he hasn't said a word to me since he rung his little bell. He then rings the bell again, at which point I ask in a fairly annoyed tone "So, is there a problem here? What exactly are we waiting for?" At which point he sheepishly admits that HE is underage, and too young to sell me beer, so he needs the manager to override the prohibition with his magical register key.

Are you F-ING kidding me? What moron manager staffs a kid at a supermarket checkout on a Friday afternoon... who cannot ring up beer? I'm no supermarket marketing expert, but I'd bet beer and wine tend to be pretty popular Friday and Saturday purchases! Just sayin'... probably best to try not to make your customers feel like deadbeats because they happen to be picking up some beer on their way home from another fun day at the office. And with all the people currently out of work - they couldn't find someone old enough to not need managerial approval for every beer or wine sale to hire for the position? Seriously? Suck it, Giant. And welcome to the List.

Looking

Today's message, boys and girls, is quite simple. I'm a hetero male with, what I would consider, a normal enough sex drive. By evolution (or intelligent design if that's what you choose to believe) I'm going to evaluate females for their likelihood in being a genetically compatible fit for procreation of the species. In other words, I'm going to check you out. I'm going to look at your body, determine if you take decent enough care of it (trust me, it's not that hard to figure out) and do some basic cavemen-level math when evaluating your assets. That being said, I do not need any encouragement, help, aid or anything like that along those lines. Of course if you would like to draw attention to your ass or boobs, I will gladly provide the other, balancing half, of that equation and look.

You got something written across the back of your shorts? I'm going to do the gentlemanly thing, sharpen up my reading skills, and read what has been so lovingly plastered in big block lettering across both cheeks. Hell, I'll even do one better by rereading whatever is written and making sure I understand how to pronounce it and I might might write a little red squiggly mark underneath the word if it's misspelled (and people wonder why I carry a red pen). I'm surprised Rosetta Stone hasn't taken advantage of this phenomenon. Men the world over would be learning new languages at breakneck speed if vocabulary words were written on booty shorts. FYI, I'm patenting that idea. So if any of you read this and think to sell, you better be ready to pay me in licensing fees.

The same goes for boobs. Seeing as how I have an ass of my own, that won't always interest me, but since I have no mammary glands (funbags, breasts, jugs o' fun, etc) of my own, I'm going to be naturally curious about them. Put those boobs in a tight tank top with something “witty” written on the front? All bets are off. I'm surprised no one's selling an Admiral Ackbar “It's a Trap!” bustier (trust me, I've looked). Again, I'm trademarking that shit, so no selling without giving me my cut.

In fact, all I need is for the OLED technology to really take off and then I can sell adspace on boobs. Could you imagine the kind of market presence you'd get with your ads then? The physical distance between two nipples pales in comparison to the distance your ad would travel on word of mouth alone. Again. Trademarked.

In short, I've got a pulse. I'm going to look. If you intentionally put words/images/shiny objects where I'm naturally inclined to look, you lose all right to be offended by my looking.

I'm just saying is all...

Back... to Home Depot!

You know what's fun? Making THREE trips to Home Depot all in one day. And then a fourth two weeks later when yet another item from that shopping trip decides to die after only using it twice.

Let's say you buy the following items at Home Depot... a floor lamp, a string-trimmer for the yard, a couple of replacement light-fixture globes, and some other odds and ends such as a garden hose, etc. Of these first three, how many would you expect to have to return? None? Maybe one if you had bad luck? (Caveat: None of these items are made by Sony, in which case you'd expect to have to return all three. But that too is a subject for another post.)

So, you get your purchases home, and you try to replace the fixture globes. First one is no problem at all, fits right into the fixture, no problem. Second one? Not happening. Even though they're supposed to be IDENTICAL. Turns out that the Made in China globe is too wide at the top. Manufacturing defect? Check! *back to Home Depot* Replacement globe fits fine. Score! Right? Right?

Then you try to assemble the floor lamp. Open the box... WTF is THIS? The glass dome of the fixture - not in the box. In fact, it looks like someone returned some OTHER random-ass lamp in the box that your lamp is supposed to be in. This one is spattered in paint too, just for added fun. *back to Home Depot* After waiting (again) at the returns desk... "Oh, this happens ALL THE TIME. In fact, I don't think I'd purchase anything in this store without opening it first..." Fanfreakingtastic! At least the exchange went smoothly, and they did give a discount for the inconvenience of it all, so there's that.

Fast forward two weeks - mowing the lawn, then get out the trusty string-trimmer for the second time I've owned it to do the edging - fire it up, midway through the job - it just DIES. The motor just stopped working, as if the safety-release is stuck in the "maximum safety!" position. Of course, there's a label on the handle... Manufactured in China. So, you guessed it... *back to Home Depot* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

C-H-O-K-E-D

Good job, Washington Capitals! You are the first number one playoff
seed in history to blow a 3-1 series lead in the playoffs to an eight
seed. In the process your team collapsed like the gas tank of a
rear-ended Ford Pinto. Where was the offensive juggernaut? And where
oh where was Alexander "Halak's hand was shaking at the
waterfountain!" Ovechkin? Seems Mr. Halak had your number after all.
When will you learn not to give the other team bulletin-board fodder?
In 1996, up 2-0 in the World Series, the Braves were noted for saying
"They [the Yankees] don't belong on the same field as us." Well, we
all know how well that turned out.

In summary - ALL DC sports teams now officially suck donkeyballs.
Wizards? Check. Nationals? Check. Redskins? Check. (Note to Snyder
- without an O-line, even McNabb can't make throws with his ass on the
turf)... And now the ultimate choke-artists, who have elevated losing
Game 7s on home ice to an art form two seasons in a row... Your
WASHINGTON CAPITALS!

Left lane vigilantes

Following up on Angry N1nja's post below, I have a corollary to the
make driving about driving again policy. I'm talking to you, in the
left lane of the interstate, going 56 mph in a 55 mph zone. Look in
your rearview mirror. You know, the same one you use to shave and
apply makeup in? See the line of cars queued up behind your slow
moving ass? Congratulations, you're officially the parade f-er.
(You're probably also driving a Prius, but that's a subject for
another post.) Now then, reach down with your left hand and press the
stalk upwards... See that blinking green arrow pointing right? When
it is safe to do so, follow the arrow and MOVE THE F**K OVER.

Also, please note that if the person stuck behind your parade f-ing
ass tries to get your attention by flashing his highbeams at you, this
is not some middle-finger equivalent insulting gesture. In fact, in
Europe and other places with actual driver training, versus the sorry
excuse for same here, it's simply another form of signaling. There's
no need to slow down further, or worse yet slam on your brakes and
cause an 18 car chain-reaction crash among the parade floats you have
created. No one is insulting your manhood, although point in fact you
ARE driving like a bitch. However - just move over. It's quick and
simple, and your parade of followers will thank you.

On the lost art of driving...

Remember when highway used to be synonymous with terms like “freeway” and “expressway”? Was there ever a time in your life when you went driving just for the sheer fun of it? Back before work, life, obligations, etc. forced you to be on the road? Back before gas prices made you cut back on all but the most “necessary” trips? Back before “those other idiots on the road” made you dread getting in your vehicle?

There was a time for me, not all that long ago, when driving was a simple joy. When I needed to clear my head, when I needed to just “get out” I'd hop in my car and disappear for a while. I guess it helped that I grew up (and went to college) in rural areas. Ever since I moved up to “the city” there's not a day that goes by that I'm not yelling at some moron (usually more than one) because they're putting my life in danger. I drive an SUV for the simple fact that it's the best balance between armor and affordability I can achieve in my tax bracket. Trust me, if I had the money (and legal ability) to get a military grade Humvee with roof mounted machine gun and loaded with armor piercing depleted uranium rounds, I would. As it is, I'm reduced to keeping a constant vigil and wondering which of my other fellow drivers will attempt to kill me today.

If I may humbly propose a suggestion, let's make driving about driving again. Your car is not your coffee shop, your bathroom, your entertainment center, or anything else but your car. Your primary, and only, focus should be on getting from point A to point B in the quickest, safest, most efficient manner possible. Let's put the “free” back in “freeway” mmmk?

Look, kids, it's either that or I look into getting that roof mounted machine gun.

Your choice.

Dear Canada

Last time I checked you were a useless country placed as a buffer between us and the north pole. 90% of your population lives within 50 miles of the American border. Why do you live within 50 miles because you wish you were an American. Booing our national anthem during a playoff hockey game just proves that you are a waste of air, water and space. I would recommend you to be annexed but then you would be able to travel freely within our borders. You have two things going for you 1.Maple Syrup and 2.Ice Wine!!!! Your border patrols are surly and rude. Your food is sub-par and for the life of me I don't understand how your money is worth more than peso's. Even Niagara falls is half ours. Maybe, if there's a world war I can hang out in your frozen tundra eating polar bears. Otherwise, shut up and when the trumpets sound off for the stars and stripes show some respect.

An hour and twenty to deliver a pizza??? F U, PJ!

When you order a pizza that you are told will arrive in 30 to 40
minutes, and then you call at the one hour mark and are told "we're
really busy tonight and it will be there in 5 minutes" and it then
takes another TWENTY minutes - memo to Papa John: UR DOIN IT WRONG.

Incidentally, your franchisee being surly on the phone when your
customer calls to check the status on their now very late order is not
the best customer service strategy. It seems more training is in
order. And, unless I'm missing something, ordering a pizza at 8:25PM
on a Sunday is not exactly prime pizza ordering time - so I don't buy
your "really busy" line of BS. Someone obviously forgot to process
the order, so man up and admit it. Maybe apologize, even if you don't
mean it. Hell, throw in some breadsticks and really sell that fake
apology! ;). But don't be a surly asshat, and don't lie to me.
Believe it or not, this isn't the first pizza I've ever ordered this
late on a Sunday, and I'm also not stupid. Treating me as such is a
sure-fire way to have me take the time to post this rant, and to
concurrently find the corporate email addresses for the Papa John's
executive team and let them know EXACTLY why I will not be ordering
from your franchise again. (Even if the only reason I ordered from
you to start with was because our local pizza joint closes early on
Sundays.)

Papa John's - you're now officially ON MY LIST!

Kennedy would be really proud...

"I understand that some believe that we should attempt a return to the
surface of the Moon first, as previously planned. But the simple fact
is, we have been there before..." - President Obama, April 15, 2010.

And with that, my friends, the dream has died. Yes, Mr. President, we
have been there before. And we could not go back today, tomorrow or in
the next 5 years, even if we wanted to. The US threw away its
technological advantage and all the lessons it had learned in Apollo,
and built the shuttle. We've been circling in LEO for the next 30
years, losing 14 brave astronauts in the process... And now we throw
shuttle away too, so we can "research technology" until 2015?
Since it's looking more and more like Obama will be a one-term
President, guess who will not be making that future decision? So we
kick the can along to the next administration, who can once again
reconsider, change course, end the program of record, and the endless
cycle of minimum progress with maximum effort can begin again.

This nation has lost the ability to dream, to accomplish grand
projects, to lead the technological world. An entire generation of
knowledge is about to walk out the doors of KSC and MFC, just like
Apollo. An entire generation of kids will again be stuck thinking of
space only in science fiction novel terms, "maybe in a few centuries
we can do that". The long term "plan" discussed today is a plan in
name only. No rocket. No vehicle. No destination. No concrete
timetable. No dream. No vision. We may very well "have been there
before" - but the fact we cannot dream of going back speaks volumes.

Dear Philly

You let your HOF quarterback leave for a 2nd round draft pick in the division no less. First off THANK YOU!!!! Redskins nation finally has a quarterback who can win a game! (actually he can win two specifically one at Fed Ex and the other in Philly)!!! Really Mr. Reid Donovan made the decision... What??? Really, are you retarded? I don't care if it was the pope himself I wouldn't have traded him within the division. Now of course the Skins don't have a offensive line. Actually, its more of an offensive line!!! I understand number 5 may get killed and ruin a possible 9-7 season but ill take my chances. This may be the worst trade Philly has ever made (or hmmmm Maybe it was the last quarterback you gave us Sonny Jurgensen) Either way you suck and you will always suck. You will never i repeat ever win the big game!!! Rebuilding or just cheap. You actually think Kevin Kolb with Micheal the dog Killer vick is going to work out. I will enjoy watching you implode this season. I cant wait to see the thug vick return to form and be the narcissistic sociopath i know he can be. You know what! Philly fans don't deserve a championship in that cesspool of hate. One fan stated that "I think Mcnabb has been in Philly too long!!" You will very quickly learn that you can never have a franchise HOF quarterback too long! City of Brotherly love my ass!!! I rather be blindfolded and stranded in Southeast DC, on a Friday night, covered in hundreds then spend a minute in your rat hole of a city. I will laugh as Skins Nation surpasses you on the NFC depth chart. Shanny and Allen will regain and cement the respect owed to our glorious franchise! I will watch with glee while you begin losing (consistently) and become the dregs of NFC east as you deserve to be.

Traffic laws? Traffic laws?? We don't need no stinkin' traffic laws!

Apparently, now that the nuclear security summit is over, the DC Metro
Police Department ("MPD") can go back to doing what they do best...
Absolutely nothing. Driving in DC has deteriorated over the last
several years into complete anarchy. Even the DC Metro buses regard
red lights, pedestrian crosswalks and right-of-way rules as mere
inconveniences. Hell, with the number of bus accidents lately,
apparently pedestrians are speed bumps and worth two points! I
cannot recall the last time I saw MPD make a routine traffic stop.
Sure, park your car illegally and the Parking Enforcement Division
will have a ticket on your windshield within two minutes. Make an
illegal U-turn, run a red light, and speed off, all right in front of
a MPD officer? He'll continue drinking his morning coffee and look
the other way. What these guys are always standing around looking for
I have no idea - maybe they're guarding against frogmen taking over
the White House. Mind you, try that same stunt across the bridge in
Virginia and you'll be dragged out of your car and sodomized with your
still-hot tailpipe!

Since everyone here knows this, driving in DC has absolutely no rules.
It's Road Warrior incarnate. Now, where's my FBROD when I need it...

Wow, that's an annoying commercial!

There's officially a new annoying commercial atop my list of least
favorite commercials ever. I really thought VW's "Panic Alarm"
commercial from last summer (the one where the prospective buyer
activates the horn-and-siren panic alarm in the VW dealership with a
ridiculous grin on his face, because apparently that will make me
want to buy a VW) would always reign supreme. But the new Staples ad,
with the asshat who repeatedly yells "Wow, that's a low price!" as
loud as he can, is the new number one. What brilliant ad agency came
up with this? It seems to run often late at night, which is really
fantastic when you happen to fall asleep while watching SportsCenter
and it startles you awake. Even if I did need office supplies first
thing the next morning, they sure as hell wouldn't be purchased from
Staples! I will now avoid the store on principle based on this
annoying as sh-- ad!

Great document management system "upgrade" you have there...

So over the weekend, the IT staff at my office "upgraded" our document
management system, or "DMS" which is integrated with Outlook. The only
problem? The "upgrade" broke the search functionality. Yes, that's
right. If you want to search for a document that you know has
"blueprint" in the name, for example? You're SOL. Want to look for
all documents related to a certain project? SOL. Notice a theme here?
ETA on a fix? Not available. Have they made any sort of
announcement regarding this issue? Of course not. They reserve
office-wide emails for informing us of upcoming maintenance downtimes
at 3AM or how to recognize SPAM or fraudulent emails... You know, the
important stuff.

Update: Day 4 - Still Broken. BRILLIANT!

Seriously ladies...

I know that the weather is warming up, and that temperatures in the
70s and 80s are on tap for this week. (Climate change says what?).
However, that is no excuse for the cleavage-baring shirts, miniskirts
and other barely-there summer wear to already be taken out of storage!
It's only April 1st, boobs should not already be bouncing to and fro
as you wander down the streets of our fair city. Between the traffic
tie-ups and tourii gawkers on the sidewalk walking into telephone
poles and street signs, you're causing a major and unnecessary
distraction. It's pure chaos out here! So please, put the perky
girls and the absurdly long legs away for another couple of months.
;)

To all the men co-habitating with women...

Do me a favor and look in your guest bathroom, common area bathroom, or wherever there's a sink your guests will likely use. Look at the soap container. Does it have a fruit, vanilla, or the name of any kind of scent you'd normally associate with food in the label? Chances are pretty much leaning towards “yes”. Now, pick up the other handsoap available to your guests. What's that? Don't have one? Well, go find your testicles wherever you've lost them and go pick some up. Ask your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/whatever they probably have a good idea of where your nutsack is.

I'm tired of going over to other people's houses and having my hands smell like I just fingerbanged a bowl of fruit salad. So go now, before I come visit you, see your strawberry kiwi vanilla passion bottle of “soap” and throw up all over your bathroom.

It's your choice. A nice neutral smelling soap options for guys or puke in your bathroom, which do you prefer?