Waiting for Godot? Nope, just beer!

So I go to the local Giant to pick up some beer for the weekend on my way home from work. This is not an unusual occurrence. I'm over thirty, so the drinking age is pretty much a non-issue at this point, right? I don't usually get "carded" anymore, or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days - I certainly look 21+. Anyway, back to Giant - I've got the beer, and a few other items. Cashier looks like he's about 12, but he's the shortest line (self-serve checkout lanes were FULL with morons who apparently couldn't figure out how to use the machines, thus the cashier lane). Rings up the other items, asks for ID - I hand over ID - he checks it, punches in the DOB, hands it back to me, and then... rings the little "need a manager" bell. I'm puzzled, but figured whatever, maybe the register is having issues or something. A couple of minutes pass, people behind in line start looking forward with the annoyed "WTF?" expression on their faces, and I'm starting to feel like some sort of deadbeat whose credit card got rejected or I'm underage or something... especially since the kid offered zero explanation for what was going on, in fact he hasn't said a word to me since he rung his little bell. He then rings the bell again, at which point I ask in a fairly annoyed tone "So, is there a problem here? What exactly are we waiting for?" At which point he sheepishly admits that HE is underage, and too young to sell me beer, so he needs the manager to override the prohibition with his magical register key.

Are you F-ING kidding me? What moron manager staffs a kid at a supermarket checkout on a Friday afternoon... who cannot ring up beer? I'm no supermarket marketing expert, but I'd bet beer and wine tend to be pretty popular Friday and Saturday purchases! Just sayin'... probably best to try not to make your customers feel like deadbeats because they happen to be picking up some beer on their way home from another fun day at the office. And with all the people currently out of work - they couldn't find someone old enough to not need managerial approval for every beer or wine sale to hire for the position? Seriously? Suck it, Giant. And welcome to the List.

Looking

Today's message, boys and girls, is quite simple. I'm a hetero male with, what I would consider, a normal enough sex drive. By evolution (or intelligent design if that's what you choose to believe) I'm going to evaluate females for their likelihood in being a genetically compatible fit for procreation of the species. In other words, I'm going to check you out. I'm going to look at your body, determine if you take decent enough care of it (trust me, it's not that hard to figure out) and do some basic cavemen-level math when evaluating your assets. That being said, I do not need any encouragement, help, aid or anything like that along those lines. Of course if you would like to draw attention to your ass or boobs, I will gladly provide the other, balancing half, of that equation and look.

You got something written across the back of your shorts? I'm going to do the gentlemanly thing, sharpen up my reading skills, and read what has been so lovingly plastered in big block lettering across both cheeks. Hell, I'll even do one better by rereading whatever is written and making sure I understand how to pronounce it and I might might write a little red squiggly mark underneath the word if it's misspelled (and people wonder why I carry a red pen). I'm surprised Rosetta Stone hasn't taken advantage of this phenomenon. Men the world over would be learning new languages at breakneck speed if vocabulary words were written on booty shorts. FYI, I'm patenting that idea. So if any of you read this and think to sell, you better be ready to pay me in licensing fees.

The same goes for boobs. Seeing as how I have an ass of my own, that won't always interest me, but since I have no mammary glands (funbags, breasts, jugs o' fun, etc) of my own, I'm going to be naturally curious about them. Put those boobs in a tight tank top with something “witty” written on the front? All bets are off. I'm surprised no one's selling an Admiral Ackbar “It's a Trap!” bustier (trust me, I've looked). Again, I'm trademarking that shit, so no selling without giving me my cut.

In fact, all I need is for the OLED technology to really take off and then I can sell adspace on boobs. Could you imagine the kind of market presence you'd get with your ads then? The physical distance between two nipples pales in comparison to the distance your ad would travel on word of mouth alone. Again. Trademarked.

In short, I've got a pulse. I'm going to look. If you intentionally put words/images/shiny objects where I'm naturally inclined to look, you lose all right to be offended by my looking.

I'm just saying is all...

Back... to Home Depot!

You know what's fun? Making THREE trips to Home Depot all in one day. And then a fourth two weeks later when yet another item from that shopping trip decides to die after only using it twice.

Let's say you buy the following items at Home Depot... a floor lamp, a string-trimmer for the yard, a couple of replacement light-fixture globes, and some other odds and ends such as a garden hose, etc. Of these first three, how many would you expect to have to return? None? Maybe one if you had bad luck? (Caveat: None of these items are made by Sony, in which case you'd expect to have to return all three. But that too is a subject for another post.)

So, you get your purchases home, and you try to replace the fixture globes. First one is no problem at all, fits right into the fixture, no problem. Second one? Not happening. Even though they're supposed to be IDENTICAL. Turns out that the Made in China globe is too wide at the top. Manufacturing defect? Check! *back to Home Depot* Replacement globe fits fine. Score! Right? Right?

Then you try to assemble the floor lamp. Open the box... WTF is THIS? The glass dome of the fixture - not in the box. In fact, it looks like someone returned some OTHER random-ass lamp in the box that your lamp is supposed to be in. This one is spattered in paint too, just for added fun. *back to Home Depot* After waiting (again) at the returns desk... "Oh, this happens ALL THE TIME. In fact, I don't think I'd purchase anything in this store without opening it first..." Fanfreakingtastic! At least the exchange went smoothly, and they did give a discount for the inconvenience of it all, so there's that.

Fast forward two weeks - mowing the lawn, then get out the trusty string-trimmer for the second time I've owned it to do the edging - fire it up, midway through the job - it just DIES. The motor just stopped working, as if the safety-release is stuck in the "maximum safety!" position. Of course, there's a label on the handle... Manufactured in China. So, you guessed it... *back to Home Depot* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

C-H-O-K-E-D

Good job, Washington Capitals! You are the first number one playoff
seed in history to blow a 3-1 series lead in the playoffs to an eight
seed. In the process your team collapsed like the gas tank of a
rear-ended Ford Pinto. Where was the offensive juggernaut? And where
oh where was Alexander "Halak's hand was shaking at the
waterfountain!" Ovechkin? Seems Mr. Halak had your number after all.
When will you learn not to give the other team bulletin-board fodder?
In 1996, up 2-0 in the World Series, the Braves were noted for saying
"They [the Yankees] don't belong on the same field as us." Well, we
all know how well that turned out.

In summary - ALL DC sports teams now officially suck donkeyballs.
Wizards? Check. Nationals? Check. Redskins? Check. (Note to Snyder
- without an O-line, even McNabb can't make throws with his ass on the
turf)... And now the ultimate choke-artists, who have elevated losing
Game 7s on home ice to an art form two seasons in a row... Your
WASHINGTON CAPITALS!

Left lane vigilantes

Following up on Angry N1nja's post below, I have a corollary to the
make driving about driving again policy. I'm talking to you, in the
left lane of the interstate, going 56 mph in a 55 mph zone. Look in
your rearview mirror. You know, the same one you use to shave and
apply makeup in? See the line of cars queued up behind your slow
moving ass? Congratulations, you're officially the parade f-er.
(You're probably also driving a Prius, but that's a subject for
another post.) Now then, reach down with your left hand and press the
stalk upwards... See that blinking green arrow pointing right? When
it is safe to do so, follow the arrow and MOVE THE F**K OVER.

Also, please note that if the person stuck behind your parade f-ing
ass tries to get your attention by flashing his highbeams at you, this
is not some middle-finger equivalent insulting gesture. In fact, in
Europe and other places with actual driver training, versus the sorry
excuse for same here, it's simply another form of signaling. There's
no need to slow down further, or worse yet slam on your brakes and
cause an 18 car chain-reaction crash among the parade floats you have
created. No one is insulting your manhood, although point in fact you
ARE driving like a bitch. However - just move over. It's quick and
simple, and your parade of followers will thank you.

On the lost art of driving...

Remember when highway used to be synonymous with terms like “freeway” and “expressway”? Was there ever a time in your life when you went driving just for the sheer fun of it? Back before work, life, obligations, etc. forced you to be on the road? Back before gas prices made you cut back on all but the most “necessary” trips? Back before “those other idiots on the road” made you dread getting in your vehicle?

There was a time for me, not all that long ago, when driving was a simple joy. When I needed to clear my head, when I needed to just “get out” I'd hop in my car and disappear for a while. I guess it helped that I grew up (and went to college) in rural areas. Ever since I moved up to “the city” there's not a day that goes by that I'm not yelling at some moron (usually more than one) because they're putting my life in danger. I drive an SUV for the simple fact that it's the best balance between armor and affordability I can achieve in my tax bracket. Trust me, if I had the money (and legal ability) to get a military grade Humvee with roof mounted machine gun and loaded with armor piercing depleted uranium rounds, I would. As it is, I'm reduced to keeping a constant vigil and wondering which of my other fellow drivers will attempt to kill me today.

If I may humbly propose a suggestion, let's make driving about driving again. Your car is not your coffee shop, your bathroom, your entertainment center, or anything else but your car. Your primary, and only, focus should be on getting from point A to point B in the quickest, safest, most efficient manner possible. Let's put the “free” back in “freeway” mmmk?

Look, kids, it's either that or I look into getting that roof mounted machine gun.

Your choice.

Dear Canada

Last time I checked you were a useless country placed as a buffer between us and the north pole. 90% of your population lives within 50 miles of the American border. Why do you live within 50 miles because you wish you were an American. Booing our national anthem during a playoff hockey game just proves that you are a waste of air, water and space. I would recommend you to be annexed but then you would be able to travel freely within our borders. You have two things going for you 1.Maple Syrup and 2.Ice Wine!!!! Your border patrols are surly and rude. Your food is sub-par and for the life of me I don't understand how your money is worth more than peso's. Even Niagara falls is half ours. Maybe, if there's a world war I can hang out in your frozen tundra eating polar bears. Otherwise, shut up and when the trumpets sound off for the stars and stripes show some respect.

An hour and twenty to deliver a pizza??? F U, PJ!

When you order a pizza that you are told will arrive in 30 to 40
minutes, and then you call at the one hour mark and are told "we're
really busy tonight and it will be there in 5 minutes" and it then
takes another TWENTY minutes - memo to Papa John: UR DOIN IT WRONG.

Incidentally, your franchisee being surly on the phone when your
customer calls to check the status on their now very late order is not
the best customer service strategy. It seems more training is in
order. And, unless I'm missing something, ordering a pizza at 8:25PM
on a Sunday is not exactly prime pizza ordering time - so I don't buy
your "really busy" line of BS. Someone obviously forgot to process
the order, so man up and admit it. Maybe apologize, even if you don't
mean it. Hell, throw in some breadsticks and really sell that fake
apology! ;). But don't be a surly asshat, and don't lie to me.
Believe it or not, this isn't the first pizza I've ever ordered this
late on a Sunday, and I'm also not stupid. Treating me as such is a
sure-fire way to have me take the time to post this rant, and to
concurrently find the corporate email addresses for the Papa John's
executive team and let them know EXACTLY why I will not be ordering
from your franchise again. (Even if the only reason I ordered from
you to start with was because our local pizza joint closes early on
Sundays.)

Papa John's - you're now officially ON MY LIST!

Kennedy would be really proud...

"I understand that some believe that we should attempt a return to the
surface of the Moon first, as previously planned. But the simple fact
is, we have been there before..." - President Obama, April 15, 2010.

And with that, my friends, the dream has died. Yes, Mr. President, we
have been there before. And we could not go back today, tomorrow or in
the next 5 years, even if we wanted to. The US threw away its
technological advantage and all the lessons it had learned in Apollo,
and built the shuttle. We've been circling in LEO for the next 30
years, losing 14 brave astronauts in the process... And now we throw
shuttle away too, so we can "research technology" until 2015?
Since it's looking more and more like Obama will be a one-term
President, guess who will not be making that future decision? So we
kick the can along to the next administration, who can once again
reconsider, change course, end the program of record, and the endless
cycle of minimum progress with maximum effort can begin again.

This nation has lost the ability to dream, to accomplish grand
projects, to lead the technological world. An entire generation of
knowledge is about to walk out the doors of KSC and MFC, just like
Apollo. An entire generation of kids will again be stuck thinking of
space only in science fiction novel terms, "maybe in a few centuries
we can do that". The long term "plan" discussed today is a plan in
name only. No rocket. No vehicle. No destination. No concrete
timetable. No dream. No vision. We may very well "have been there
before" - but the fact we cannot dream of going back speaks volumes.

Dear Philly

You let your HOF quarterback leave for a 2nd round draft pick in the division no less. First off THANK YOU!!!! Redskins nation finally has a quarterback who can win a game! (actually he can win two specifically one at Fed Ex and the other in Philly)!!! Really Mr. Reid Donovan made the decision... What??? Really, are you retarded? I don't care if it was the pope himself I wouldn't have traded him within the division. Now of course the Skins don't have a offensive line. Actually, its more of an offensive line!!! I understand number 5 may get killed and ruin a possible 9-7 season but ill take my chances. This may be the worst trade Philly has ever made (or hmmmm Maybe it was the last quarterback you gave us Sonny Jurgensen) Either way you suck and you will always suck. You will never i repeat ever win the big game!!! Rebuilding or just cheap. You actually think Kevin Kolb with Micheal the dog Killer vick is going to work out. I will enjoy watching you implode this season. I cant wait to see the thug vick return to form and be the narcissistic sociopath i know he can be. You know what! Philly fans don't deserve a championship in that cesspool of hate. One fan stated that "I think Mcnabb has been in Philly too long!!" You will very quickly learn that you can never have a franchise HOF quarterback too long! City of Brotherly love my ass!!! I rather be blindfolded and stranded in Southeast DC, on a Friday night, covered in hundreds then spend a minute in your rat hole of a city. I will laugh as Skins Nation surpasses you on the NFC depth chart. Shanny and Allen will regain and cement the respect owed to our glorious franchise! I will watch with glee while you begin losing (consistently) and become the dregs of NFC east as you deserve to be.

Traffic laws? Traffic laws?? We don't need no stinkin' traffic laws!

Apparently, now that the nuclear security summit is over, the DC Metro
Police Department ("MPD") can go back to doing what they do best...
Absolutely nothing. Driving in DC has deteriorated over the last
several years into complete anarchy. Even the DC Metro buses regard
red lights, pedestrian crosswalks and right-of-way rules as mere
inconveniences. Hell, with the number of bus accidents lately,
apparently pedestrians are speed bumps and worth two points! I
cannot recall the last time I saw MPD make a routine traffic stop.
Sure, park your car illegally and the Parking Enforcement Division
will have a ticket on your windshield within two minutes. Make an
illegal U-turn, run a red light, and speed off, all right in front of
a MPD officer? He'll continue drinking his morning coffee and look
the other way. What these guys are always standing around looking for
I have no idea - maybe they're guarding against frogmen taking over
the White House. Mind you, try that same stunt across the bridge in
Virginia and you'll be dragged out of your car and sodomized with your
still-hot tailpipe!

Since everyone here knows this, driving in DC has absolutely no rules.
It's Road Warrior incarnate. Now, where's my FBROD when I need it...

Wow, that's an annoying commercial!

There's officially a new annoying commercial atop my list of least
favorite commercials ever. I really thought VW's "Panic Alarm"
commercial from last summer (the one where the prospective buyer
activates the horn-and-siren panic alarm in the VW dealership with a
ridiculous grin on his face, because apparently that will make me
want to buy a VW) would always reign supreme. But the new Staples ad,
with the asshat who repeatedly yells "Wow, that's a low price!" as
loud as he can, is the new number one. What brilliant ad agency came
up with this? It seems to run often late at night, which is really
fantastic when you happen to fall asleep while watching SportsCenter
and it startles you awake. Even if I did need office supplies first
thing the next morning, they sure as hell wouldn't be purchased from
Staples! I will now avoid the store on principle based on this
annoying as sh-- ad!

Great document management system "upgrade" you have there...

So over the weekend, the IT staff at my office "upgraded" our document
management system, or "DMS" which is integrated with Outlook. The only
problem? The "upgrade" broke the search functionality. Yes, that's
right. If you want to search for a document that you know has
"blueprint" in the name, for example? You're SOL. Want to look for
all documents related to a certain project? SOL. Notice a theme here?
ETA on a fix? Not available. Have they made any sort of
announcement regarding this issue? Of course not. They reserve
office-wide emails for informing us of upcoming maintenance downtimes
at 3AM or how to recognize SPAM or fraudulent emails... You know, the
important stuff.

Update: Day 4 - Still Broken. BRILLIANT!

Seriously ladies...

I know that the weather is warming up, and that temperatures in the
70s and 80s are on tap for this week. (Climate change says what?).
However, that is no excuse for the cleavage-baring shirts, miniskirts
and other barely-there summer wear to already be taken out of storage!
It's only April 1st, boobs should not already be bouncing to and fro
as you wander down the streets of our fair city. Between the traffic
tie-ups and tourii gawkers on the sidewalk walking into telephone
poles and street signs, you're causing a major and unnecessary
distraction. It's pure chaos out here! So please, put the perky
girls and the absurdly long legs away for another couple of months.
;)