Parade F-ers, Revisited - Holiday Edition!

Over the long holiday weekend I had the opportunity to go on a nice LONG drive covering 200+ miles of I-81 in Virginia in each direction.  I-81 recently had its speed limit raised for most of its length to 70mph.  Speaking about the new speed limit, Governor McDonnell originally said "The increase in the speed limit from 65 to 70 mph in rural and less populated areas of the state will help Virginians arrive at their destinations quicker and safer and will speed the delivery of goods and services throughout the commonwealth. This is just one step forward in our efforts to significantly improve Virginia's transportation system." News release:  70 mph speed limits announced


Well, Governor McDonnell, here's what I can tell you after driving 400 miles with the "quicker and safer" speed limit:  It's now even more difficult for trucks to pass each other on the lovely two-lane mountain interstate, especially because in the commonwealth "reckless driving" remains the utterly ridiculous 80 mph, even on an interstate where the speed limit is now 70.  That's right - you can either get Virginia's lowest level of speeding ticket  for 1-9 mph over and 3 points, or *BOOM*, misdemeanor reckless driving.  (PMIA jailtime, mandatory court appearance, etc.)  And you still have trucks trying to pass each other with one or two mile-per-hour differentials while traffic behind them queues up for a quarter mile.  Especially when trucks conveniently ignore the "commercial vehicles not allowed in left lane when operated below 70 mph" signage.


You also have the reappearance of the parade f-er, which I first wrote about here: Parade F-ers  Only now, you have an individual in right lane going 69 mph, and an individual in left lane SLOWLY passing the individual in the right lane at 71 mph.  Or the individual that continues obliviously cruising in the left lane at 71 mph, with no one to his right for miles.. because making me have to pass you on the right makes complete sense, right?  It's all the more frustrating when you then attempt to pass on the right and they SPEED UP.  As if to say "How dare you pass me on the right!" (which I wouldn't have to do if you weren't in the left passing lane forevER in the first place, dumbass!)  You can't win here in the commonwealth.  Flash your brights, people take it personally.  Pass on the right so as to avoid to the oblivtard in the left lane - people still take it personally.

Also, a side note to VDOT, which of course they will never see or read since they've banned me:  How is it that I-81S/I-77N are the same interstate, and vice versa?  Please explain how it's not confusing to be going north and south at the same time?  Your signage continues to astound me.  I know and understand that interstates share designations for certain stretches, but I'd be curious if this is the only interstate that shares completely opposite cardinal directions for the shared stretch.

While of course spending the holidays with family make dealing with the travel hassle worth it, it's still a PIA and it's something that could so easily be avoided, if people would just be considerate.  Oh, and one more thing:  HANG UP THE PHONE AND DRIVE!

Sometimes, you just gotta wonder...

On Thursday evening, heading home from work, my windshield was cracked by a flying rock, kicked up by a speeding bus driving partly on the shoulder, in one of the perpetual VDOT NoVA construction zones.  Why does it take VDOT longer to do anything than any other transit agency on the planet?  (Except maybe Metro... but really, that's a pretty low freaking bar.)

Now, mind you - because this hellhole of a state says "reckless driving" is 20mph over the speed limit, or anything over 80... I couldn't pass the bus, who had to already be doing 75 mph.  And, knowing my luck, I'd be the one pulled over since I'm an easier target than a big ass Loudoun County bus.

There are times when I really dislike living and driving in Virginia.  This weekend is again one of those times.

Also, at what point will VDOT do something about the cluster-fark they've created on BOTH SIDES of the Dulles Toll Road?  Eastbound there's the debacle I mentioned in my last post.  Westbound, there's now a left lane that magically disappears - right into the lane next to it - without a sign, without a marking... nothing.  The lane just... ENDS.  As if they ran out of paint, or someone put the lane lines down incorrectly in the first place.  It's incredibly dangerous.  And yet, even though several people I know have reported it, VDOT has done what VDOT does best - jack shit.  Maybe after someone dies, they'll pay attention.

F U Protesters!

So last week, we had some jackass decide his way to effectively protest was to drive his big red tractor to the Capitol building, and the White house, and other various locations in DC.  And, he plans to continue this until Senate recesses in October.

http://www.streetinsider.com/Press+Releases/Week+2+of+Black+Farmer's+Tractor+Ride+to+Washington/5982423.html 

Really?  THIS is your method of protesting?  Inconveniencing those of us who are just trying to get to and from work every day?  Here's his quote:  "I'm sorry my tractor may slow things down, but any delay in traffic is small potatoes compared to the years of delay black farmers have endured in our pursuit of justice"  Oh really?  Because those of us stuck in traffic because of your stunt really have ANY ability to influence Congress and get what you want done?  We (generally speaking) are just as fed up with Congress as you are!  So, making me late to work accomplishes what, exactly, asshat?  But it's okay, you're riding around in your big ass red tractor named "Freedom", so obviously you're more important than the rest of us.  


On the first day of this "event" I didn't realize he was protesting (in fact, I thought it was just some jackass who decided to ride his tractor into DC - which really wouldn't be surprising based on the fact that no one here can f-ing drive, and they don't enforce traffic laws) so I definitely hit the horn, passed him, cut in front of him, and flipped him off.  Yup, that was me with my middle finger extended through my moonroof.  That's my protest of your chosen form of the same, f-er.  


Then yesterday and today there's some OTHER nondescript protest going on that closed 7th street and other streets nearby during the evening rush.  (A giant convoy of asshats in wheelchairs and illegible signs, protesting I know not what... apparently they do this every year so their protest must be pretty unsuccessful.)  Traffic in the evenings isn't bad enough around here, we need you making it worse?  And, somehow, they have a police escort!  MPD, enforcer of no traffic laws (or any laws, for the most part) - HELPING them make their protest more visible.  Brilliant!  And, mind you, I'm not saying anything about the fact they're in wheelchairs - I don't care WHO it was protesting, I'd complain just as much.  


MEMO TO PROTESTERS:  We can't do anything about whatever your cause du jour is.  We are just as powerless as you are to change whatever it is you want changed.  But making it a pain in the ass for us to get to or from work is certainly not a good way to make friends and influence people.  (And it's not like Mr. Tractor wouldn't get pushed out of the way by a motorcade if a Congressman really needed to get somewhere.)  You're not accomplishing anything but pissing the rest of us off, asshats.

You need to DIAF. No, seriously...

Pup Fan over at I Still Want More Puppies has put up the "Angry Gentlemen" signal (like the bat signal, but filled with more anger and rage!) and I'm happy to oblige.

So, this pathetic excuse for a dog owner at a Costco in Frederick, Maryland (aka "Stupid Bitch"), decided to go shopping for an hour and fifteen minutes on July 6th.  During that shopping trip, she bought pet toys/supplies for her dog, during which time Stupid Bitch left her dog in the car with the windows rolled up.  That's right, 104 degree day, she leaves the dog in the car.  Brilliant!  To top it off, she comes out of the Costco, discovers that her dog has effectively been cooked alive in her car, but is still clinging to life, and then proceeds to go stand in line and RETURN the pet supplies that she just bought.  You heartless m-fing @#!&.

Here's a link to the story:  Stupid Bitch.  And, based on this follow-up story:  Vindictive Much? it's anyone's guess what her true motives were, since apparently she got custody of the poor dog in a nasty divorce, and it was only finalized within the two weeks before the incident.  She finds the dog in distress, and her first inclination is to go return the pet supplies?  Something's rotten in Denmark, Frederick PD.

On the bright side, she's already 67, so hopefully her time left on this Earth is short, lonely, and miserable.  But I also have a problem with all the pussified Americans who must have walked by that car in the parking lot and didn't do anything about it.  Break the f-ing window.  Strap on a set of balls and save the life of an innocent and helpless creature.  Stop being passive bystanders afraid of lawsuits and liability and do something!

And as for Stupid Bitch, let's hope she's headed somewhere nice and hot in the hereafter.  But for now, Frederick County jail will have to do, assuming she's convicted of the multiple charges against her.  (And, Frederick County judges REALLY, REALLY hate criminals who are cruel to animals.)  Here's to hoping her shower gets "accidentally" stuck on maximum HOT at some point during her stay.  "Oops, sorry Stupid Bitch... the plumbing in this facility is really old... that happens sometimes."  DIAF.  And, welcome to the LIST, Stupid Bitch.

Left lane vigilantes

Following up on Angry N1nja's post below, I have a corollary to the
make driving about driving again policy. I'm talking to you, in the
left lane of the interstate, going 56 mph in a 55 mph zone. Look in
your rearview mirror. You know, the same one you use to shave and
apply makeup in? See the line of cars queued up behind your slow
moving ass? Congratulations, you're officially the parade f-er.
(You're probably also driving a Prius, but that's a subject for
another post.) Now then, reach down with your left hand and press the
stalk upwards... See that blinking green arrow pointing right? When
it is safe to do so, follow the arrow and MOVE THE F**K OVER.

Also, please note that if the person stuck behind your parade f-ing
ass tries to get your attention by flashing his highbeams at you, this
is not some middle-finger equivalent insulting gesture. In fact, in
Europe and other places with actual driver training, versus the sorry
excuse for same here, it's simply another form of signaling. There's
no need to slow down further, or worse yet slam on your brakes and
cause an 18 car chain-reaction crash among the parade floats you have
created. No one is insulting your manhood, although point in fact you
ARE driving like a bitch. However - just move over. It's quick and
simple, and your parade of followers will thank you.

RSVP for Dummies

Newsflash:

If you are invited to a dinner party at a well-regarded higher-end restaurant where your dinner is being paid for by your gracious host, and you RSVP'd that yes, you will in fact be attending the festivities, it is both incredibly rude and absolutely classless to then just not show up and also not bother letting the host know. Where did you grow up, BFE where three-course plated dinners cost $5.00 per person and the main course consists of roadkill-on-a-stick, so it's "no big deal" if you can't be bothered attending when you said you would? Or are you just such a socially backwards retard that you don't understand the RSVP concept in general? I understand that it's a French phrase, and this might be difficult for you, so let me try and help you out. "RSVP" is the acronym for the French "Répondez s'il vous plaît" which means "please respond." Subtext: "Or else you are an inconsiderate asshat."

Here's another helpful hint: Final guest counts are normally due three to five business days in advance, and most venues have limitations on the maximum number of guests in their private dinner party rooms. So for the four or more of you who were no-shows, not only did the host have the privilege of paying for your imaginary f-ing dinner, which someone else could have actually enjoyed, but you simultaneously prevented someone else from attending because of your utter selfishness.

Hosts generally have cell-phones, BlackBerries, email, mutual friends... hell, I don't care if you use a carrier pigeon. Don't be an inconsiderate asshat, and "never go full retard!" If your situation changes and for whatever reason you cannot make it, the socially accepted thing to do is to let the host know, as early as possible.