To all the men co-habitating with women...

Do me a favor and look in your guest bathroom, common area bathroom, or wherever there's a sink your guests will likely use. Look at the soap container. Does it have a fruit, vanilla, or the name of any kind of scent you'd normally associate with food in the label? Chances are pretty much leaning towards “yes”. Now, pick up the other handsoap available to your guests. What's that? Don't have one? Well, go find your testicles wherever you've lost them and go pick some up. Ask your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/whatever they probably have a good idea of where your nutsack is.

I'm tired of going over to other people's houses and having my hands smell like I just fingerbanged a bowl of fruit salad. So go now, before I come visit you, see your strawberry kiwi vanilla passion bottle of “soap” and throw up all over your bathroom.

It's your choice. A nice neutral smelling soap options for guys or puke in your bathroom, which do you prefer?

No moon for you! Come back, 50 years!

On July 20, 1969, man took his first footsteps on the moon. They were carried there aboard the Saturn V, the most powerful rocket ever built, a record which stands to this day. It was the culmination of a challenge set forth by John F. Kennedy in his landmark speech on September 12, 1962: "We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

Why the history lesson? President Obama's 2011 budget effectively ends the U.S. manned spaceflight program by cancelling Ares/Constellation/Orion and providing for no successor. The shuttle has four flights remaining on its launch manifest until its retirement to various museums around the country. We will remain at the mercy of the Russians to launch U.S. astronauts into orbit to the ISS. While some may argue that NASA received a budget increase, they also have no real program and no real goal. And we all know how well such plans work in successive presidential administrations. The President has allegedly heard the complaints, and has planned a speech for April 15th (tax day, ironic isn't it?) at the Kennedy Space Center, where thousands stand to lose their jobs once shuttle is retired without a successor to work on. Billions upon billions have been spent by this country for a war in Iraq and Afghanistan, but giving up our technological and space leadership with the stroke of a red pen through a budget line item does not even warrant a public comment until April 15th, months after the decision has already been made?

I was not born in time to see the first moon landing, and it appears I will be long dead before another American lands on the moon, or Mars, or anywhere else in the solar system. How is it that the United States is willing to concede that for years to come, and possibly decades, we've simply given up on manned spaceflight? In 1969 we could land on the moon - and in 2010 we've just lost the ability or the will to do it? Ares I and Ares V may not have been the perfect answer, but at least we were still on track to have manned access to space. Maybe once the Chinese or the Russians start colonizing the moon, or traveling to Mars, the U.S. will see the error of its ways - and by then it will be too little, too late. We will be the ones trying to play catchup, having relinquished our lead in all things related to manned space exploration. Case in point - a large part of the cost of Ares I was attempting to reverse engineer Saturn parts, because while we have the blueprints, and we have production parts and samples, the reasons WHY parts were designed the way they were has been lost - the engineers are long dead, or retired. Things such as why valves had certain diameters, or why pipes had certain bend radii - all lost to dust and history. And now the cycle is again set to repeat with the retirement of the shuttle with no replacement on the horizon.

The ultimate future of mankind is off this rock. That would be change I believe in. Are you listening, Mr. President? All of humanity's eggs cannot live forever in this fragile little basket we call Earth. And circling the Earth in LEO at the mercy of another country's launch schedule is not progress, but madness.

The Republican and Democratic Idiocy!!!!

First things First. When the F does congress work on a SUNDAY!!! This alone makes me sketchy about this monstrous piece of (reform) that is about to occur. Second they passed it during March Madness when the entire country is frantically chasing magical brackets. To the Republicans please get past its democratic Satan sanctioned baby killing legislation and look at the bill. To the Democrats really are the republicans just trying to kill all the sick poor people in America. I am a part of the Green Party! And do you know who the green party is???? You just guessed wrong the green party is $$$$$ mother F------! Every republican and Democrat are part of the Green $$$$$ Party. When Microsoft was called a monopoly and brought to court who was on the board of apple (Al Gore). When Ritalin became candy for the child masses who was on the board of Pfizer (George Bush Sr.) Who sold north Korea nuclear reactors(who we fought the Korean war with mind you!) (Bill Clinton) No one remembers anything except (PRO LIFE PRO DEATH BIG BUSINESS and who banged who!(god forbid if they're gay) This is why are country is f----- at the moment! Please government save me from myself!!!! for i am too stupid to think, talk, drink, walk, drive without your intervention. Thank you Republicans for violating my right to privacy (the patriot act) about as patriotic as flag burning! And thank you Democratic for legislating me to purchase health care a commodity from you! I guess i should be forced to buy a GM car since you own them now! Lastly, how about we bring some jobs back to the U.S so every body can afford the throat F your about to serve up to the American public!

Your Fiancee is a Douche

There I said it. Everyone knows it. Hell, on some deep dark level of truth that you refuse to acknowledge you probably know it too. But you said "yes" when he, in your words, "finally popped the question". Good job on that. I don't know if it's because you've convinced yourself that he's the best you're going to get from the hetero part of the male half of the population (he's not), if he's really a sweet caring honest guy with a life plan that blows you away (i sincerely doubt it), or if this has been a punk'd episode years in the making that is ashton's big comeback to TV (god, i hope so). The only other remote possibility I can think of as a plausible explanation for why you're marrying this lump of misbegotten filth and shit-for-brains is that he's got some jedi fucking mindtrick shit going on up there. I'll admit it, I'm a little impressed by how he's magicked his way into your pants and into your heart, but let me clue you in. It's all smoke and mirrors.

He's going to break you. Whether it's sudden and violent when you discover that other girl he's (probably) been sexting a few months after you've tied the knot or whether it's slow and numbing through years of an unfulfilling marriage that kills one dream after another...he's going to hurt you on some deep fundamental level.

I've tried to stay out of this whole thing because inexplicably somehow he seems to make you happy. But as another Angry Gentlemen once told me "Vibrators make women happy too. That doesn't mean they should marry them."

RSVP for Dummies

Newsflash:

If you are invited to a dinner party at a well-regarded higher-end restaurant where your dinner is being paid for by your gracious host, and you RSVP'd that yes, you will in fact be attending the festivities, it is both incredibly rude and absolutely classless to then just not show up and also not bother letting the host know. Where did you grow up, BFE where three-course plated dinners cost $5.00 per person and the main course consists of roadkill-on-a-stick, so it's "no big deal" if you can't be bothered attending when you said you would? Or are you just such a socially backwards retard that you don't understand the RSVP concept in general? I understand that it's a French phrase, and this might be difficult for you, so let me try and help you out. "RSVP" is the acronym for the French "Répondez s'il vous plaît" which means "please respond." Subtext: "Or else you are an inconsiderate asshat."

Here's another helpful hint: Final guest counts are normally due three to five business days in advance, and most venues have limitations on the maximum number of guests in their private dinner party rooms. So for the four or more of you who were no-shows, not only did the host have the privilege of paying for your imaginary f-ing dinner, which someone else could have actually enjoyed, but you simultaneously prevented someone else from attending because of your utter selfishness.

Hosts generally have cell-phones, BlackBerries, email, mutual friends... hell, I don't care if you use a carrier pigeon. Don't be an inconsiderate asshat, and "never go full retard!" If your situation changes and for whatever reason you cannot make it, the socially accepted thing to do is to let the host know, as early as possible.

Tiger Madness

To all you Tiger golf junkies out there cut it out! Really, is there nothing better to talk about than Tiger being in rehab? 24 hours a day, all I hear is TIGER TIGER TIGER. Let me ask you a question. What do you call a man with a billion dollars a sex addiction and isn't married? L.A.H lucky as hell! Wow, really a young man who has a billion dollars got caught having sex with a bunch of porn stars and models I am shocked. Really, I am surprised that a dude with a billion dollars, who is on the road half the year, would cheat(shocker)! Next thing you know, we will find out that eating a sandwich will assist in (wait for it) assist you in alleviating your hunger. I get it, Tiger has the same name as a deadly animal. Tiger is also deadly on the golf course so it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy to follow him. Come on people lets get real he's an entertainer! Did you ever think why we might call golf and football spectator sports? The only thing we have the right to criticize Tiger for is if he misses three footer at Sawgrass! Tiger isn't a Hero! If your looking for a Hero on the idiot box then guess what (YOUR A F---ing IDIOT). A Hero is someone who is selfless and puts others welfare in front of their own. A hero sacrifices for family, country and people who cannot fight for themselves. However, I digress. My main point is that "I don't care if Tiger has sex with a python, strangling a warthog that is eating a small pygmy child! Until he is back on the golf course winning majors, I could care less. Leave the pill popping, Ambien sex having, oops I lost my wife, golf master alone."

A word of advice

Hi Kids,

If you are the proprietor of a business with a receptionist, when a client arrives and you decide to blow them off even though you aren’t busy you should be sure to not be sitting in your glass walled office that is in clear view of your receptionist’s desk.

I can completely understand not wanting to interrupt your intense game of bejeweled. However during these hard economic times when your main business strategy is nothing new and there are hundreds of other businesses that could replace you within a heartbeat, because they are desperate for work, maybe a small amount of respect should be shown to clients who are there to drop off payment.

My payment will keep your broadband internet connection going for another month or 3 so you can play even more bejeweled. You will also be able to keep your male receptionist employed and that closet of blue dresses you think is hidden in your office freshly stocked, so you can continue role-play Bill and Monica with him.