Looking

Today's message, boys and girls, is quite simple. I'm a hetero male with, what I would consider, a normal enough sex drive. By evolution (or intelligent design if that's what you choose to believe) I'm going to evaluate females for their likelihood in being a genetically compatible fit for procreation of the species. In other words, I'm going to check you out. I'm going to look at your body, determine if you take decent enough care of it (trust me, it's not that hard to figure out) and do some basic cavemen-level math when evaluating your assets. That being said, I do not need any encouragement, help, aid or anything like that along those lines. Of course if you would like to draw attention to your ass or boobs, I will gladly provide the other, balancing half, of that equation and look.

You got something written across the back of your shorts? I'm going to do the gentlemanly thing, sharpen up my reading skills, and read what has been so lovingly plastered in big block lettering across both cheeks. Hell, I'll even do one better by rereading whatever is written and making sure I understand how to pronounce it and I might might write a little red squiggly mark underneath the word if it's misspelled (and people wonder why I carry a red pen). I'm surprised Rosetta Stone hasn't taken advantage of this phenomenon. Men the world over would be learning new languages at breakneck speed if vocabulary words were written on booty shorts. FYI, I'm patenting that idea. So if any of you read this and think to sell, you better be ready to pay me in licensing fees.

The same goes for boobs. Seeing as how I have an ass of my own, that won't always interest me, but since I have no mammary glands (funbags, breasts, jugs o' fun, etc) of my own, I'm going to be naturally curious about them. Put those boobs in a tight tank top with something “witty” written on the front? All bets are off. I'm surprised no one's selling an Admiral Ackbar “It's a Trap!” bustier (trust me, I've looked). Again, I'm trademarking that shit, so no selling without giving me my cut.

In fact, all I need is for the OLED technology to really take off and then I can sell adspace on boobs. Could you imagine the kind of market presence you'd get with your ads then? The physical distance between two nipples pales in comparison to the distance your ad would travel on word of mouth alone. Again. Trademarked.

In short, I've got a pulse. I'm going to look. If you intentionally put words/images/shiny objects where I'm naturally inclined to look, you lose all right to be offended by my looking.

I'm just saying is all...