Against All Odds...

I find it a coincidence that that particular Phil Collins classic came on the radio on the way to work today, as it brings up this blog's ever popular topic: driving. After spending 10 years commuting via subway to work in DC and Boston, it's a bit of a shock returning to my vehicle every day. However, the way the DC subway is running these days, it's a welcome relief.

That being said, there is a glaring lack of skill that I find with drivers in the DC/Northern Virginia area. They truly are getting in their cars everyday "Against All Odds." This goes beyond simple things such as blocking the left lane or the ever popular stop and merge. I'm thinking more along the lines of 90% (optimistic estimation here) of drivers around here should not be behind the wheel. I regularly see maneuvers that signal to me that the driver is either A) not aware or doesn't care who is around them or B) they are completely scared to be out on the road. Recipe for disaster.

I will admit that I was raised by a gearhead and in a family of automotive enthusiasts that dabble in sanctioned racing, including the Sports Car Club of America (SCCA). My father, while stationed in the Army in Southern Germany, started a road rally club for army personnel and locals and upon returning to the US, autocrossed a great deal with local clubs in the Philadelphia and Southern New Jersey region. It was during my formative years that I was instilled with a sense of responsibility about driving. While in the car, you must put 110% concentration on the job at hand and take things seriously. I was also taught how to parallel park in a 15 passenger Dodge Ram Van and also was enrolled in a defensive (on-track) driving course at 16 but those are stories for another time.

Driver training is something brushed aside these days; a lost art. How many times have you heard people say "I don't know how to parallel park." More often than you'd want to admit, I'm sure. How many times have you seen a soccer mom in a Chevy Tahoe pull a fast lane change and it appears the offending SUV in question may tip over? Classic example of not knowing the limits of gravity and your vehicle. When was the last time you saw someone signal across the intersection from you to help give you a clue of what would happen next? I thought so. These are folks who should not have a license, as they are a danger to themselves and others around them. I won't even breach the topic of how many of us know how to drive a car with three pedals these days....

Now, I'm not one to bitch and not offer a solution, so here you go. Abolish all the driving tests in each of the 50 states and start from scratch with one universally mandated test. I hear all the states rights people getting up in arms now, but we need to make this an efficient and effective process because driving should not be taken lightly. I'm envisioning a test similar to the one given in the Federal Republic of Germany, which includes a theory and practical test. These are much more comprehensive tests than the ones given in your local high school, though. They cover everything from highway driving and merging at high speeds to things such as operating a manual transmission. Also, licensing is graduated in Germany depending on skill levels and the tests that are successfully completed. In short, there are several hoops to jump through that ensure the trainee is getting the instruction required.

Along with a more industrial strength driving test, defensive driving courses should be a requirement. These courses would cover everything from skid control, handbrake turns and effective high speed cornering and threshold braking. I'm not advocating that everyone out there turn into a Michael Schumacher but having advanced car control strategies in your arsenal is more useful than one would think in everyday driving.

Along with these new measurements, drivers have to start taking driving serious, which means cell phone ban or not, get off the phone and concentrate on the task at hand. In car distractions are too prevalent these days and they are only exacerbated by these ridiculously complex navigation and entertainment systems we find in modern vehicles. Even though my car is three years old, I didn't opt for the navigation system because the last thing I need is my car talking back to me. Knowing how to read maps and having a general sense of direction is yet another lost skill. This is the reason why your fellow motorist just cut you off to zip across to the left hand turn lane. Map reading and route planning should be an integral part of the new driving test. Too many motorists rely an inordinate amount on technology to tell them where to go.

So there you have it. A few solutions to transform these shitty drivers in DC into slightly less shitty drivers. And the next time I hear someone tell me that I'm aggressive or drive way too fast, well, it is as simple as this. A famous actor once said "man's got to know his limitations." And well, I'd like to see those people merge effectively into 120 km/h traffic on the A8 just north of Munich. Amateurs.

Left lane vigilantes

Following up on Angry N1nja's post below, I have a corollary to the
make driving about driving again policy. I'm talking to you, in the
left lane of the interstate, going 56 mph in a 55 mph zone. Look in
your rearview mirror. You know, the same one you use to shave and
apply makeup in? See the line of cars queued up behind your slow
moving ass? Congratulations, you're officially the parade f-er.
(You're probably also driving a Prius, but that's a subject for
another post.) Now then, reach down with your left hand and press the
stalk upwards... See that blinking green arrow pointing right? When
it is safe to do so, follow the arrow and MOVE THE F**K OVER.

Also, please note that if the person stuck behind your parade f-ing
ass tries to get your attention by flashing his highbeams at you, this
is not some middle-finger equivalent insulting gesture. In fact, in
Europe and other places with actual driver training, versus the sorry
excuse for same here, it's simply another form of signaling. There's
no need to slow down further, or worse yet slam on your brakes and
cause an 18 car chain-reaction crash among the parade floats you have
created. No one is insulting your manhood, although point in fact you
ARE driving like a bitch. However - just move over. It's quick and
simple, and your parade of followers will thank you.

On the lost art of driving...

Remember when highway used to be synonymous with terms like “freeway” and “expressway”? Was there ever a time in your life when you went driving just for the sheer fun of it? Back before work, life, obligations, etc. forced you to be on the road? Back before gas prices made you cut back on all but the most “necessary” trips? Back before “those other idiots on the road” made you dread getting in your vehicle?

There was a time for me, not all that long ago, when driving was a simple joy. When I needed to clear my head, when I needed to just “get out” I'd hop in my car and disappear for a while. I guess it helped that I grew up (and went to college) in rural areas. Ever since I moved up to “the city” there's not a day that goes by that I'm not yelling at some moron (usually more than one) because they're putting my life in danger. I drive an SUV for the simple fact that it's the best balance between armor and affordability I can achieve in my tax bracket. Trust me, if I had the money (and legal ability) to get a military grade Humvee with roof mounted machine gun and loaded with armor piercing depleted uranium rounds, I would. As it is, I'm reduced to keeping a constant vigil and wondering which of my other fellow drivers will attempt to kill me today.

If I may humbly propose a suggestion, let's make driving about driving again. Your car is not your coffee shop, your bathroom, your entertainment center, or anything else but your car. Your primary, and only, focus should be on getting from point A to point B in the quickest, safest, most efficient manner possible. Let's put the “free” back in “freeway” mmmk?

Look, kids, it's either that or I look into getting that roof mounted machine gun.

Your choice.