twitter

Seriously how slow are you? Multiple!! I repeat multiple issues. I just want to upload a pic and your overcapacity. What are your servers measured in kilobytes? How am i supposed to spread my thought viruses around the world if you cant handle a simple update. (I like Mountain Dew yes i do! I like cat with hats you know that. This is about as much sense as TWEETING makes!!! I will further explore the madness of the Tweeting web in further postings. For now oh gentle twitter I smite you!!!!

You need to DIAF. No, seriously...

Pup Fan over at I Still Want More Puppies has put up the "Angry Gentlemen" signal (like the bat signal, but filled with more anger and rage!) and I'm happy to oblige.

So, this pathetic excuse for a dog owner at a Costco in Frederick, Maryland (aka "Stupid Bitch"), decided to go shopping for an hour and fifteen minutes on July 6th.  During that shopping trip, she bought pet toys/supplies for her dog, during which time Stupid Bitch left her dog in the car with the windows rolled up.  That's right, 104 degree day, she leaves the dog in the car.  Brilliant!  To top it off, she comes out of the Costco, discovers that her dog has effectively been cooked alive in her car, but is still clinging to life, and then proceeds to go stand in line and RETURN the pet supplies that she just bought.  You heartless m-fing @#!&.

Here's a link to the story:  Stupid Bitch.  And, based on this follow-up story:  Vindictive Much? it's anyone's guess what her true motives were, since apparently she got custody of the poor dog in a nasty divorce, and it was only finalized within the two weeks before the incident.  She finds the dog in distress, and her first inclination is to go return the pet supplies?  Something's rotten in Denmark, Frederick PD.

On the bright side, she's already 67, so hopefully her time left on this Earth is short, lonely, and miserable.  But I also have a problem with all the pussified Americans who must have walked by that car in the parking lot and didn't do anything about it.  Break the f-ing window.  Strap on a set of balls and save the life of an innocent and helpless creature.  Stop being passive bystanders afraid of lawsuits and liability and do something!

And as for Stupid Bitch, let's hope she's headed somewhere nice and hot in the hereafter.  But for now, Frederick County jail will have to do, assuming she's convicted of the multiple charges against her.  (And, Frederick County judges REALLY, REALLY hate criminals who are cruel to animals.)  Here's to hoping her shower gets "accidentally" stuck on maximum HOT at some point during her stay.  "Oops, sorry Stupid Bitch... the plumbing in this facility is really old... that happens sometimes."  DIAF.  And, welcome to the LIST, Stupid Bitch.

The shame count!

Okay kids, so it's come to this. Here's the running tally of our co-authors and their posts since the inception of the blog. The winner of the Clarence Thomas award for brevity is... *drumroll please* Angry Code Monkey! Welcome to the Hall of Shame!

Angry Rocketman: 17 18
Angry Edge: 8
Angry N1nja: 5
Angry Code Monkey: 1

It should be pretty obvious who needs to step up their posting game, and who does not.

[Edited at 8:47PM to account for new post by Angry Rocketman above - LOAG]

Ranting and Redesigning

Do you know what's difficult about having a co-authored blog? When your co-authors do not contribute to said blog! I mean, seriously, it's the summer, there's not that much going on... either there's not enough anger (doubtful!) or you all are just slacking. Let's pick up the pace, Angry Gentlemen. One post in the entire month of July so far? And only two in June? FAIL. Angry Gentlemen Enterprises will never reach Phase 3 at this rate!

To that end, I've redesigned the blog using a new template, allowing for more features and media-intensive posts. Let's do this!

NBAint

WELL WELL WELL!!! i can't win a championship Lebron how you doing? Oh, that's right I cant get away from you in the media. Will he go here, will he go there? the only thing I know is he ain't gonna win a championship so who cares. What type of egomaniac are you? you bail on your team in the playoffs and I am supposed to think your the best thing since sliced bread. King James more like the court freakin jester! wearing Jordans number are you kidding me? You aren't fit to sniff his crusty old jock strap!!! When will the NBA figure it out? You will lose your fans overtime with the massive contracts and the prima donnas! People hate this type of crap when they are struggling to make ends meet. Hopefully, we will have a lockout next year and your fall from stardom will be swift! good luck failing the next team you promise a championship!

Metrobus - Ignoring DC traffic laws since 1976

 A series of photos from my morning commute as a Metrobus makes an illegal turn from the very clearly marked "straight thru only" lane on Constitution Ave NW and 12th Street NW this morning at 7:50AM, cutting off the entire line of cars waiting patiently in the left-turn-only lane... I guess he decided he didn't want to/have to wait in the line like everyone else.  In the process, he took up an entire turn-light cycle to make his illegal maneuver, stopping others from legally turning.  He did kindly signal his (illegal) intentions, so at least everyone else knew to stay the hell out of his way, lest they get run off the road or into oncoming traffic on 12th street by his bus.

Congratulations, you're the asshat driver of the week!  And these are the asshats we're going to trust to run Metro out to IAD?  Good luck with that sh**!

Memo to IRS: SUCK IT!

So, here we are, twelve weeks after submitting our federal tax return (mandatorily) on paper to claim the first time homebuyer tax credit ("FTHC"). Apparently, "Upload PDF" is a concept too advanced for the IRS workerbees to handle. They force you to file on paper so you can include a copy of the HUD-1 to reduce fraudulent FTHC claims. Really? Who actually has the balls to do that???

The online IRS "Where is my refund?" tool first said June 2, then June 14, and then as of this morning "Call". Helpful, very helpful. It must be nice to have a job where you just move deadlines out when you don't meet them. "We're the federal government, we don't give a sh1t, because we don't have to!" So this morning I figured I'd call. The IRS says that one of their data-entry monkeys likely made a mistake keying in our (mandatory) paper return, and it got sent to the "Error Correction" division. For FOUR weeks. Yes, that's right. Four weeks to correct a data entry error on a two page form. Also, you force us to file on paper, and then one of your drones has to type all the information in anyway? Obviously, these are highly competent and efficient federal workers we're talking about...

But that's not all - it then takes an ADDITIONAL 4-8 weeks to issue the refund once it emerges from "Error Correction". So we're now looking at July or August "maybe"... And of course the agent laughed when I asked if they'd be paying interest on the money they've now had the pleasure of using for six months and counting. They "did not anticipate the volume of paper returns" - really, asshats? You force hundreds of thousands of people across the US to file on paper, and then didn't anticipate the volume? Maybe you should have conferred with the Department of State - they had the same "unanticipated volume" a few years ago when the rules requiring a passport to go pretty much anywhere outside the US went into effect. If you really, truly need something FUBAR-d, just involve the wholly incompetent federal government.

Wallpaper removal!

The Angry Edge's post below reminds me: a shout-out to the asshats who wallpapered the drywall in our dining room WITHOUT PRIMING IT FIRST. Now the wallpaper glue is hermetically bonded to the paper facing of the drywall at a subatomic level. Nice going, you corner-cutting morons! Way to make removing your (decidedly hideous) wallpaper much more difficult and perhaps even impossible without causing irreparable harm to said drywall. Know what I didn't want to have to do? Skim coat the walls or worse yet hang and tape new drywall. What is it looking like I will have to do? Exactly f-ing that! Asshats!

building a better home

Hey knucklehead who built my home. How about? I don't know? abiding by code and doing your job. I love starting a simple project like say installing a kitchen light. Only to find that your lazy behind dry walled in the electrical lines. To complicate my life and exacerbate your laziness you decide that (Well I'll just grab a knife here and cut a hole in the ceiling horizontally until i find the electric line) although you cut a line all the way to the stud did ya go the extra mile and install an electrical box? absolutely not that would be out of the question! Instead you put bolts in the ceiling and installed and industrial ugly fluorescent light! Its laziness like this why America is failing. People do a half ass job and expect praise for it! Once again i would like to thank the ass that failed my house. You forced me to make trips to lowes buy tools i rather not have purchased and spend 3-4 hours doing something that i really didnt want to do. And guess what i got to patch the hole you made and ill even get to paint the kitchen dining room kitchen and hallway. Why because its all connected you ass. What would have taken you 5 minutes retard!!! is going to take me a full day. Painters come through after electrical ass! Once again thanks

International relations, Top Gun style

To the minivan with diplomat plates on I-66 going 53 MPH in the left
lane who I finally managed to cut off and flip the bird through my
moonroof - "Welcome to America!". Now please learn to drive, or
return to the Middle Eastern nation that you obviously represent.
You're just lucky I didn't slam on the brakes so Uncle Sam could
purchase me a new ride.

If I had diplomatic immunity, I'd be rocking 100+ on the interstate,
not traveling below the speed limit and causing a giant traffic tie-up
behind my slow moving ass.

oil and apologies

Dear Mr. Obama i have some questions! I was watching on CNN that Supertankers(sitting in the middle east) could be used to clean up the oil draining into the American coastline. Where is the outrage? where is the promised change? Where is the democratic environmental party the party of the people raging against the corporations? Why are they not being utilized and throwing everything we can at this BP mess????? next up HOW DARE YOU apologize to Mexico under any circumstance! This is America... Do you think there might be a reason Arizona voted it into law? Ever used your brain and looked at what Mexico allows people who immigrate from the south of their borders. I am sorely disappointed!!!! Guess your stuck trying to run your specialized agenda and once again screw the people! I guess we will just happily give up our technological edges and watch as our shores become uninhabitable. Good job Mr. President thumbs up...

Waiting for Godot? Nope, just beer!

So I go to the local Giant to pick up some beer for the weekend on my way home from work. This is not an unusual occurrence. I'm over thirty, so the drinking age is pretty much a non-issue at this point, right? I don't usually get "carded" anymore, or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days - I certainly look 21+. Anyway, back to Giant - I've got the beer, and a few other items. Cashier looks like he's about 12, but he's the shortest line (self-serve checkout lanes were FULL with morons who apparently couldn't figure out how to use the machines, thus the cashier lane). Rings up the other items, asks for ID - I hand over ID - he checks it, punches in the DOB, hands it back to me, and then... rings the little "need a manager" bell. I'm puzzled, but figured whatever, maybe the register is having issues or something. A couple of minutes pass, people behind in line start looking forward with the annoyed "WTF?" expression on their faces, and I'm starting to feel like some sort of deadbeat whose credit card got rejected or I'm underage or something... especially since the kid offered zero explanation for what was going on, in fact he hasn't said a word to me since he rung his little bell. He then rings the bell again, at which point I ask in a fairly annoyed tone "So, is there a problem here? What exactly are we waiting for?" At which point he sheepishly admits that HE is underage, and too young to sell me beer, so he needs the manager to override the prohibition with his magical register key.

Are you F-ING kidding me? What moron manager staffs a kid at a supermarket checkout on a Friday afternoon... who cannot ring up beer? I'm no supermarket marketing expert, but I'd bet beer and wine tend to be pretty popular Friday and Saturday purchases! Just sayin'... probably best to try not to make your customers feel like deadbeats because they happen to be picking up some beer on their way home from another fun day at the office. And with all the people currently out of work - they couldn't find someone old enough to not need managerial approval for every beer or wine sale to hire for the position? Seriously? Suck it, Giant. And welcome to the List.

Looking

Today's message, boys and girls, is quite simple. I'm a hetero male with, what I would consider, a normal enough sex drive. By evolution (or intelligent design if that's what you choose to believe) I'm going to evaluate females for their likelihood in being a genetically compatible fit for procreation of the species. In other words, I'm going to check you out. I'm going to look at your body, determine if you take decent enough care of it (trust me, it's not that hard to figure out) and do some basic cavemen-level math when evaluating your assets. That being said, I do not need any encouragement, help, aid or anything like that along those lines. Of course if you would like to draw attention to your ass or boobs, I will gladly provide the other, balancing half, of that equation and look.

You got something written across the back of your shorts? I'm going to do the gentlemanly thing, sharpen up my reading skills, and read what has been so lovingly plastered in big block lettering across both cheeks. Hell, I'll even do one better by rereading whatever is written and making sure I understand how to pronounce it and I might might write a little red squiggly mark underneath the word if it's misspelled (and people wonder why I carry a red pen). I'm surprised Rosetta Stone hasn't taken advantage of this phenomenon. Men the world over would be learning new languages at breakneck speed if vocabulary words were written on booty shorts. FYI, I'm patenting that idea. So if any of you read this and think to sell, you better be ready to pay me in licensing fees.

The same goes for boobs. Seeing as how I have an ass of my own, that won't always interest me, but since I have no mammary glands (funbags, breasts, jugs o' fun, etc) of my own, I'm going to be naturally curious about them. Put those boobs in a tight tank top with something “witty” written on the front? All bets are off. I'm surprised no one's selling an Admiral Ackbar “It's a Trap!” bustier (trust me, I've looked). Again, I'm trademarking that shit, so no selling without giving me my cut.

In fact, all I need is for the OLED technology to really take off and then I can sell adspace on boobs. Could you imagine the kind of market presence you'd get with your ads then? The physical distance between two nipples pales in comparison to the distance your ad would travel on word of mouth alone. Again. Trademarked.

In short, I've got a pulse. I'm going to look. If you intentionally put words/images/shiny objects where I'm naturally inclined to look, you lose all right to be offended by my looking.

I'm just saying is all...

Back... to Home Depot!

You know what's fun? Making THREE trips to Home Depot all in one day. And then a fourth two weeks later when yet another item from that shopping trip decides to die after only using it twice.

Let's say you buy the following items at Home Depot... a floor lamp, a string-trimmer for the yard, a couple of replacement light-fixture globes, and some other odds and ends such as a garden hose, etc. Of these first three, how many would you expect to have to return? None? Maybe one if you had bad luck? (Caveat: None of these items are made by Sony, in which case you'd expect to have to return all three. But that too is a subject for another post.)

So, you get your purchases home, and you try to replace the fixture globes. First one is no problem at all, fits right into the fixture, no problem. Second one? Not happening. Even though they're supposed to be IDENTICAL. Turns out that the Made in China globe is too wide at the top. Manufacturing defect? Check! *back to Home Depot* Replacement globe fits fine. Score! Right? Right?

Then you try to assemble the floor lamp. Open the box... WTF is THIS? The glass dome of the fixture - not in the box. In fact, it looks like someone returned some OTHER random-ass lamp in the box that your lamp is supposed to be in. This one is spattered in paint too, just for added fun. *back to Home Depot* After waiting (again) at the returns desk... "Oh, this happens ALL THE TIME. In fact, I don't think I'd purchase anything in this store without opening it first..." Fanfreakingtastic! At least the exchange went smoothly, and they did give a discount for the inconvenience of it all, so there's that.

Fast forward two weeks - mowing the lawn, then get out the trusty string-trimmer for the second time I've owned it to do the edging - fire it up, midway through the job - it just DIES. The motor just stopped working, as if the safety-release is stuck in the "maximum safety!" position. Of course, there's a label on the handle... Manufactured in China. So, you guessed it... *back to Home Depot* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.