Glad to see that WMATA is up to their usual hijinxs

Here's another entry for the annals of the Piss-poor Drivers' Academy. It was a typical Thursday morning other than the short, heavy rainfall around 7:30am. I was about to turn right onto Glebe Road from Fairfax Drive until, OH HI THERE, a Metro Access Van pulls out from a side street right in front of me and proceeds to block the turn lane for me and about ten other folks behind me. Meanwhile, there was a Ford Explorer taking up about two car lengths in the lane that the aforementioned public transport miscreant was trying to merge into. See rain soaked photo below for a detail of the cluster fuck in question:



The light turns green. Guess what happens next? The Explorer moves over to the turn lane after sitting around playing with himself for several minutes. Then again, the Explorer did have Maryland tags so I'll refrain from making any more fun because their citizens are mentally retarded.

Back to the Metro Access Van. Who uses these things? The ones I see are always empty. The van did have a number on it's rear door to call in with complaints. I decided I'd do society a favor and lay off, because if I would have called in, the end result would have resulted in the cops waiting at my apartment building this afternoon, just like how they came for Jet Blue attendant Steven Slater two hours after the incident on the tarmac.

the non angry post

Carnival you have exceeded my expectations! I was concerned as to your service your food and your patrons. I have to put a positive for all three. Although, you will never see this "Phillip the cabin boy" you rocked the house. I don't know how you work 12-15 hours a day and keep a genuine happy smile on your face! You made the day just a little bit better with your sunny disposition. Individuals stateside make 20 times the money and are miserable bastards. The only issue/glitch was that you had a poker machine vs a dealer. And guess what the freaking machine broke before i got a chance to play. To make things even better you didn't have a backup plan for the tournament. Although, this did allow for more quality time with the wife. Anyway, I plan on hitting the cruising style again due to the convenience the style and the Damn good food.
Sincerely

The angry happy edge!

Against All Odds...

I find it a coincidence that that particular Phil Collins classic came on the radio on the way to work today, as it brings up this blog's ever popular topic: driving. After spending 10 years commuting via subway to work in DC and Boston, it's a bit of a shock returning to my vehicle every day. However, the way the DC subway is running these days, it's a welcome relief.

That being said, there is a glaring lack of skill that I find with drivers in the DC/Northern Virginia area. They truly are getting in their cars everyday "Against All Odds." This goes beyond simple things such as blocking the left lane or the ever popular stop and merge. I'm thinking more along the lines of 90% (optimistic estimation here) of drivers around here should not be behind the wheel. I regularly see maneuvers that signal to me that the driver is either A) not aware or doesn't care who is around them or B) they are completely scared to be out on the road. Recipe for disaster.

I will admit that I was raised by a gearhead and in a family of automotive enthusiasts that dabble in sanctioned racing, including the Sports Car Club of America (SCCA). My father, while stationed in the Army in Southern Germany, started a road rally club for army personnel and locals and upon returning to the US, autocrossed a great deal with local clubs in the Philadelphia and Southern New Jersey region. It was during my formative years that I was instilled with a sense of responsibility about driving. While in the car, you must put 110% concentration on the job at hand and take things seriously. I was also taught how to parallel park in a 15 passenger Dodge Ram Van and also was enrolled in a defensive (on-track) driving course at 16 but those are stories for another time.

Driver training is something brushed aside these days; a lost art. How many times have you heard people say "I don't know how to parallel park." More often than you'd want to admit, I'm sure. How many times have you seen a soccer mom in a Chevy Tahoe pull a fast lane change and it appears the offending SUV in question may tip over? Classic example of not knowing the limits of gravity and your vehicle. When was the last time you saw someone signal across the intersection from you to help give you a clue of what would happen next? I thought so. These are folks who should not have a license, as they are a danger to themselves and others around them. I won't even breach the topic of how many of us know how to drive a car with three pedals these days....

Now, I'm not one to bitch and not offer a solution, so here you go. Abolish all the driving tests in each of the 50 states and start from scratch with one universally mandated test. I hear all the states rights people getting up in arms now, but we need to make this an efficient and effective process because driving should not be taken lightly. I'm envisioning a test similar to the one given in the Federal Republic of Germany, which includes a theory and practical test. These are much more comprehensive tests than the ones given in your local high school, though. They cover everything from highway driving and merging at high speeds to things such as operating a manual transmission. Also, licensing is graduated in Germany depending on skill levels and the tests that are successfully completed. In short, there are several hoops to jump through that ensure the trainee is getting the instruction required.

Along with a more industrial strength driving test, defensive driving courses should be a requirement. These courses would cover everything from skid control, handbrake turns and effective high speed cornering and threshold braking. I'm not advocating that everyone out there turn into a Michael Schumacher but having advanced car control strategies in your arsenal is more useful than one would think in everyday driving.

Along with these new measurements, drivers have to start taking driving serious, which means cell phone ban or not, get off the phone and concentrate on the task at hand. In car distractions are too prevalent these days and they are only exacerbated by these ridiculously complex navigation and entertainment systems we find in modern vehicles. Even though my car is three years old, I didn't opt for the navigation system because the last thing I need is my car talking back to me. Knowing how to read maps and having a general sense of direction is yet another lost skill. This is the reason why your fellow motorist just cut you off to zip across to the left hand turn lane. Map reading and route planning should be an integral part of the new driving test. Too many motorists rely an inordinate amount on technology to tell them where to go.

So there you have it. A few solutions to transform these shitty drivers in DC into slightly less shitty drivers. And the next time I hear someone tell me that I'm aggressive or drive way too fast, well, it is as simple as this. A famous actor once said "man's got to know his limitations." And well, I'd like to see those people merge effectively into 120 km/h traffic on the A8 just north of Munich. Amateurs.

Don't block the #!@* box!

So as you may have heard, last night thunderstorms swept through the DC area right around 3:30 PM. Those of you familiar with DC will realize that any form of precipitation paralyzes the region's roads and rails. This includes rain. It also seems that downtown DC's traffic signals are allergic to water - as soon as the first raindrops fall, they either switch to yellow/red flash mode, or just give up completely and go dark.

However, my asshat(s) of the day goes to the drivers who decided, despite the fact that it was obvious that they couldn't make it through the intersection, that they would pull into it anyway. Blocking THREE lanes of cross-traffic, including yours truly, from making it across the intersection and on down the (otherwise
completely empty) avenue. For FOUR or FIVE light cycles. I lost track as I was sitting on my horn pissed off at your "me-first" shelfishness. And, to the bitch in the Prius who put her hands up as if to say "not my fault!" - it IS your fault, you twatwaffle. Don't pull into the m-fing intersection unless your little toy car can make
it out the other side. Driving 101.

It is evenings like last night (when it takes me two hours to get home, instead of the usual 30 minutes) that make me long for the days when I drove an old beater. I would have seriously considered RAMMING
SPEED and just pushing the offending Prius out of my way, GTA roadblock-busting style. Of course, if DC's MPD actually gave a sh1t, they might actually enforce laws such as don't block the box, speeding, reckless driving, etc. But they don't.

Side note: In the event of any sort of mass "evacuation" of DC, we're all epically f-d. Rain paralyzes everything. You might as well park your car, walk to the nearest bar, and enjoy the fireworks show. At least you'd go out doing something other than sitting in traffic, staring at brake lights.

Lane Striping 101

Dear VDOT,
We drivers understand that you occasionally need to change the lane configurations to allow for construction projects. Lane shifts are par for the course in the many myriad construction zones for the HOT lanes and the Silver Line to IAD here in NoVA. However, if you're going to put down new lane striping, some free advice:

1. Don't do it free-hand. It looks like Kramer re-striped I66W inside the Beltway.

2. Remove the old lines!! The lane paint you use sucks as it is, and the lines disappear when it rains - but now there's two or three sets of lines that your distracted asshat drivers are trying to follow. A sea of brake lights inevitably results when drivers come upon your Jackson Pollock-esque interpretation of lane striping. Not to mention that some of the old lines now lead directly into Jersey barriers, which for some reason seem to intimidate the region's drivers just by their mere presence.

The summer vacation season when school is out and the federal government is in recess is usually the best two months of commuting we residents get. And this summer even that's been absolutely miserable. You and Metro should combine forces - the resulting vortex of incompetence and suckitude could destroy the Earth.

What were you thinking?

Okay, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted something. It's not that I haven't been angry about things, it's more that I’ve been busy dealing with the things I’ve been angry about. Let’s get things rolling shall we.

IT Server Rooms in most companies that have more than one computer, that little jimmy the president’s 13 year old son set up as a server, tend to a have a room dedicated to their secure living. These rooms also tend to be climate controlled to keep the hardware that generates heat, and don't work well while hot, cool. Our server room which houses around 10 servers over the past month has averaged a temperature of around 88 degrees with spikes upwards of 100 degrees for hours at a time. I've pushed for change. Pushed for a new AC unit just for the server room. I've Explained numerous times that Heat + Computers = Devastation. This all apparently fell on Deaf Ears. So for the past week I’ve been putting in a ton of extra hours trying to Fix a server and recover data from a 4 year old rack server that much like a union employee decided that the high temperature working conditions just weren't acceptable and stopped working.

IT is the backbone of almost ALL businesses these days, but the fact that the people in charge of these businesses were all born before computers they don't understand. Let’s have a thought experiment. If we were to take away all the computers in your company could you still do business? Some businesses will honestly be able to say yes to that question. However the follow up question of "Will you still be competitive?" will open the realization that you'd be out of business in a few months. So why would anyone not invest in the security and stability of their IT infrastructure is beyond me.

Maybe it’s the fact that I stay late, don’t collect overtime, and fix things before they make any end users lives miserable. I think that is going to change soon.

Dulles Toll Road - Closed - WTF?

Sometime after 6:00 AM this morning, the Dulles Toll Road (DTR) was
closed due to an accident involving a flipped over vehicle. For those
of you unfamiliar with the DTR, it's similar to an urban interstate -
controlled access, 55 mph speed limit, pretty straight, pretty flat.
Four to six lanes in each direction.

How badly must you suck at driving to flip your car over in the middle
of the morning rush on the DTR? It took over an hour to clear and
reopen. Brilliant!! They should fine your ass for the lost tolls, the
fire and rescue response, and as a deterrent. The Europeans do it, and
they're significantly better drivers for it. Having an autobahn in the
US would be a perfect Darwinian exercise crossed with a demolition
derby straight out of Deathrace. Hate to say it, but we'd lose quite a
few piss poor drivers and be the better for it!

But more importantly, my fellow commuters who I see on the road at 5
or 6 or 7 in the morning, talking on the phone - who the f*#k are you
talking to that early? Seriously, if my phone rings at 5 and someone
hasn't either just died or is being rushed to the hospital, you better
prepare for the "what the F are you calling me this early for?"
response. Shut the hell up, hang up the m-fing phone and DRIVE!!
And that goes double for all the teenagers who apparently, according
to a recent study announced out here, text while driving because
driving is boring. WTF? It's apparently much less boring dealing with
Mommy and Daddy's insurance company after you cause a multi-car
accident - after all, crashes ARE the most exciting part of driving!
(/sarcasm).

To the entire generation of distracted, shittastic drivers - screw you
all, asshats.

NTSB to Metro: UR D01N 1T WR0NG

As I read the NTSB report about the fatal Metro accident on the Red
line, one thing immediately jumped out at me. Perhaps because of my
line of work, but maybe not - the remarkable similarities to the
Challenger and Columbia space shuttle accidents. The
institutionalized cultural disfunction of both large, bureaucratic
behemoths is unmistakable.

Metro is a disgrace to the capital city it purports to serve. It
cannot even keep its station escalators functional, so an accident of
this magnitude was all but a foregone conclusion. And the constant
excuses heard from the Metro Board, Metro "Management" and Metro
"Customer Service" are all empty words. If I thought they'd
comprehend it or even read it, I'd consider writing and expressing my
displeasure, but what's the point? It's a bureaucracy with sovereign
immunity, so they don't care because they don't have to. "Life is but
a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon
the stage and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Which, in the end, is
the same thing Metro will learn from the NTSB findings... Nothing.

Hypothetical Situation

Alright kids it's time for some learnin'. Time for me to drop the knowledge bomb on your face. Let's play pretend. Let's pretend I'm a train driver, an engineer, in other words. My responsibility is to make sure the train, however large or small it is, no matter who or what it is carrying, stays on the tracks. Now let's continue this thought exercise and say I'm good at my job, like scary good. Like I'm the Tiger Woods of train driving without the awkward looks whenever the ex-wife drops off the kids for me to watch while I'm playing the back nine with some TGIFriday's waitresses... I'm a train idiot savant with more emphasis on the savant than idiot and definitely more on the train.

Now, no matter how good I am at keeping twenty tons of coal fired steel on the tracks between here and Portland, OR. No matter how many different engine configurations and specifics I know about trains. None of that knowledge will give me any special insight on anything else in the world. For instance, just because I'm great at being an engineer, that does not make me an expert on Indy Car Racing. Oh sure, these two vastly different things may have some superficially common factors, such as wheels...and...people being in them...but my train expertise does not translate into car driving expertise. In fact it would be ridiculous, downright ludicrous, if not outright PAINFULLY OBNOXIOUS if I started acting like I knew everything about Indy car racing to the point where I told other people how to drive and “win” at races. “Hey, Danica, I know you're supposed to be this really good driver and all, but you know you could go faster if you could blah blah blah blah.” That statement was so obnoxious, even in hypothetical, that I really couldn't finish it.

Are you with me so far? Good. That means you have that special something other people on this planet may lack. I like to call it common sense, being aware of what your strengths and weaknesses are, or, in other words, not being a Grade F Shipping Crate of Douche. Now, let's take it one step farther. Let's imagine that I'm not actually good at my job. I'm horrible at what I do, and yet I've become so far stuck in Delusionville that I've convinced myself I'm amazing at being a train engineer (which, incidentally, this train does stop at Delusionville, the place where no one has a drinking problem, everyone looks like an underwear model, and your political party is always right). I'm so bad and so deluded that I'm yelling at the other people in the train cars to get their job done right. I'm yelling at the diner car that their meat is undercooked. I'm yelling at the drink car that the drinks are too weak. Heck, I'm yelling at the caboose because it's not doing a good enough job of providing backup to the train. I'm so busy yelling and micromanaging these other cars that I fail to do my own job. You know, my job as a train driver... The one where I should have to maintain a safe speed, ensure the train is on the right track, make sure we're not going to fall off a cliff, etc. And when the train does go too fast, derails, and falls off the cliff, and kills a bunch of people whose fault is it? Oh no, it's not my fault as this hypothetically horrible, self-deluded train engineer, it's everyone else's fault for not doing my job. (FYI if the last sentence doesn't make sense to you, it's because...well look at the top of the paragraph)

Yes, sadly there are train engineers out there like this. Yes, they are dangerous and should be put down like rabid dogs. Unfortunately, in reality you can't do anything to deal with these horrible train engineers because people can't be killed for being stupid.

Want to know the worst part of all this is? People will still get on trains that this hypothetical, imaginary engineer is driving because they had to have learned from the last trainwreck. Right? Right....?

In closing. I'm getting a train whistle for my phone. Every time you hear it, another idiot has crashed a train...

twitter

Seriously how slow are you? Multiple!! I repeat multiple issues. I just want to upload a pic and your overcapacity. What are your servers measured in kilobytes? How am i supposed to spread my thought viruses around the world if you cant handle a simple update. (I like Mountain Dew yes i do! I like cat with hats you know that. This is about as much sense as TWEETING makes!!! I will further explore the madness of the Tweeting web in further postings. For now oh gentle twitter I smite you!!!!

You need to DIAF. No, seriously...

Pup Fan over at I Still Want More Puppies has put up the "Angry Gentlemen" signal (like the bat signal, but filled with more anger and rage!) and I'm happy to oblige.

So, this pathetic excuse for a dog owner at a Costco in Frederick, Maryland (aka "Stupid Bitch"), decided to go shopping for an hour and fifteen minutes on July 6th.  During that shopping trip, she bought pet toys/supplies for her dog, during which time Stupid Bitch left her dog in the car with the windows rolled up.  That's right, 104 degree day, she leaves the dog in the car.  Brilliant!  To top it off, she comes out of the Costco, discovers that her dog has effectively been cooked alive in her car, but is still clinging to life, and then proceeds to go stand in line and RETURN the pet supplies that she just bought.  You heartless m-fing @#!&.

Here's a link to the story:  Stupid Bitch.  And, based on this follow-up story:  Vindictive Much? it's anyone's guess what her true motives were, since apparently she got custody of the poor dog in a nasty divorce, and it was only finalized within the two weeks before the incident.  She finds the dog in distress, and her first inclination is to go return the pet supplies?  Something's rotten in Denmark, Frederick PD.

On the bright side, she's already 67, so hopefully her time left on this Earth is short, lonely, and miserable.  But I also have a problem with all the pussified Americans who must have walked by that car in the parking lot and didn't do anything about it.  Break the f-ing window.  Strap on a set of balls and save the life of an innocent and helpless creature.  Stop being passive bystanders afraid of lawsuits and liability and do something!

And as for Stupid Bitch, let's hope she's headed somewhere nice and hot in the hereafter.  But for now, Frederick County jail will have to do, assuming she's convicted of the multiple charges against her.  (And, Frederick County judges REALLY, REALLY hate criminals who are cruel to animals.)  Here's to hoping her shower gets "accidentally" stuck on maximum HOT at some point during her stay.  "Oops, sorry Stupid Bitch... the plumbing in this facility is really old... that happens sometimes."  DIAF.  And, welcome to the LIST, Stupid Bitch.

The shame count!

Okay kids, so it's come to this. Here's the running tally of our co-authors and their posts since the inception of the blog. The winner of the Clarence Thomas award for brevity is... *drumroll please* Angry Code Monkey! Welcome to the Hall of Shame!

Angry Rocketman: 17 18
Angry Edge: 8
Angry N1nja: 5
Angry Code Monkey: 1

It should be pretty obvious who needs to step up their posting game, and who does not.

[Edited at 8:47PM to account for new post by Angry Rocketman above - LOAG]

Ranting and Redesigning

Do you know what's difficult about having a co-authored blog? When your co-authors do not contribute to said blog! I mean, seriously, it's the summer, there's not that much going on... either there's not enough anger (doubtful!) or you all are just slacking. Let's pick up the pace, Angry Gentlemen. One post in the entire month of July so far? And only two in June? FAIL. Angry Gentlemen Enterprises will never reach Phase 3 at this rate!

To that end, I've redesigned the blog using a new template, allowing for more features and media-intensive posts. Let's do this!

NBAint

WELL WELL WELL!!! i can't win a championship Lebron how you doing? Oh, that's right I cant get away from you in the media. Will he go here, will he go there? the only thing I know is he ain't gonna win a championship so who cares. What type of egomaniac are you? you bail on your team in the playoffs and I am supposed to think your the best thing since sliced bread. King James more like the court freakin jester! wearing Jordans number are you kidding me? You aren't fit to sniff his crusty old jock strap!!! When will the NBA figure it out? You will lose your fans overtime with the massive contracts and the prima donnas! People hate this type of crap when they are struggling to make ends meet. Hopefully, we will have a lockout next year and your fall from stardom will be swift! good luck failing the next team you promise a championship!