Mr. Sex While Driving 85 on the Beltway Guy

Bud Light presents… real men of genius.

(Reeeeaaaaallllll men of geniusssssssssssss!)

Today, we salute you, Mr. Sex While Driving 85 on the Beltway Guy*

(Mr. Sex While Driving 85 on the Beeeeeeeeeelllltwaaay Guy!)

Not content with birthday sex, or even standard backseat action, you decided to UP the ante.

(Take it to the next leveeeeelllllll!)

30 MPH?  50 MPH?  No way, compadre!

(Vroom Vroom VROOM!)

There’s only one way to both tame this bucking bronco and keep it on the road…

Cruise control set to 85, and reverse cowgirl!

(Better open the moonroof!  Watch your heeeeeeeeead!)

You’re doing such a good job, she’s seeing stars!

Or are those just blue flashing lights?

(Uh-oh, It's the Pohhhh-Pohhhh!)

But don’t worry, soon your cellmate will be doing ALL the driving.

(I hear he drives a stick shift!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Cassanova of the Beltway.

And remember, where you’re going… there is no such thing as exit only.

(Mr. Sex While Driving 85 on the Beeeeeeeeeelllltwaaay Guy!)

* http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-state-of-nova/post/on-the-beltway-a-claim-of-drunken-sex-at-85-mph/2011/06/15/AGNgleWH_blog.html

METRO: Making Everyone Travel Ridiculously Off-Schedule

Another week of commuting pain, another letter....


Dear WMATA:

My commute home requires that I transfer from the blue line to the orange line at Rosslyn, headed towards Vienna. For the past three weeks, I have had the unfortunate circumstance to arrive at Rosslyn at 5pm and then be forced to wait, on a regular basis, over 10 minutes for an orange line train to arrive.

I am curious how WMATA summons the bold faced audacity to charge a "peak of the peak fare" when there is an inadequate amount of orange line trains running westbound and overcrowding has been a well-documented issue? It seems clear that WMATA management doesn't ride the subway on a regular basis or you are more unprepared than Poland during the German invasion of 1939. Either way, all of the riders are getting screwed on this one.

As an aside, can you please tell your train operators to stop treating the brakes like a damn on/off switch? It's getting too dangerous for riders who don't expect their constant velocity to go from about 30 mph to zero in .001 seconds.

With lowest regards,

Angry Commuter

Of the people, by the people, for the people?

[Apologies in advance for the lack of posting this month - it's been a little busy at rocketworks inc., so I haven't had the time to finish this post until now.  But, things are looking up in the posting world so expect more posting with reckless abandon!]


Now then, having said that... our wonderful Congress took us to the brink of a government shutdown, before finally realizing that paralyzing a nascent economic recovery by instantaneously putting almost a million people out of work might not be the best idea they ever had.  But it also got this Angry Rocketman thinking... and realizing that our "representatives" in Congress are truly utterly and completely out of touch with both reality, and the people they're supposedly representing.


First and foremost:  Base Salary:  $174,000


And yet, you have "representatives" that claim they are living "paycheck to paycheck" and thats why, if the government shut down, they'd still "need" their paychecks.


Rep. Linda Sanchez (D-Calif.) says she’s not willing to forgo her salary.  “I have to tell you, I live paycheck to paycheck, like most Americans,” she said Thursday afternoon on MSNBC. “It's very difficult for me to say, ‘Hey, I can give up my paycheck,’ because the reality is, I have financial obligations that I have to meet on a month-to-month basis that doesn't make it possible for me.”


Rep. Sean Duffy (R-WI) says "I guarantee that I have more debt than all of you. With 6 kids, I still pay off my student loans. I still pay my mortgage. I drive a used minivan. If you think I’m living high off the hog, I’ve got one paycheck. So I..I struggle to meet my bills right now. Would it be easier for me if I get more paychecks? Maybe, but at this point I’m not living high off the hog."

So let me see if I get this straight... you make $174K a year, and yet you are somehow living paycheck to paycheck?  #DOINGITWRONG!  And yet, it's these same apparently fiscally irresponsible morons who are supposed to both represent our interests and also control the long-term budget of this country?  Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we are screwed!  And they also couldn't understand why the "average" federal government employee, who 9 times out of 10 is making less than $174K, would be concerned about a shutdown?  I know we can't all be rocket scientists, but this is just too much!


And, for the privilege of their utter incompetence, and dereliction of duty such as passing a budget, between the house and the senate, we pay them $94 million dollars a year, in the aggregate.  (This is leaving out the higher salaries for the party leadership and the speaker of the house, etc.)  Our taxes at work! 


What is equally troubling is that it's no longer possible for someone like yours truly to be elected to Congress. You need deep pockets just to even try to run for office!  This clearly is not what the founders intended, yet that is where we find ourselves.  Democrats and Republicans - same sh**, different animal.  The only thing they can generally agree about is disagreeing.  And it's become incredibly clear in my decades on this planet that it does not matter who controls which house, or who happens to be in the White House - it's all the same inefficient, bureaucratic, pointless BS.


More to follow.

Memo to Congress

Get your heads out of your collective asses (difficult for most of
you, especially the Tea Party) and pass an actual real f-ing budget
already. You can't keep funding shit two weeks at a time. It's
incredibly inefficient and wastes resources.

You are all a waste of space. Every single last one of you.

A Year's Hiatus From METRO And This Is What I Return To...

Something tells me that even with a devastating earthquake, the Japanese trains are keeping better time than WMATA these days. And then there's the renowned WMATA escalators. Always a source of amusement, they have become rather dangerous as of late. Witness my latest in a series of rants to METRO HQ:

----------
Dear WMATA:

More than likely, you have all missed my letters as of late. After a year hiatus, I'm back to riding your subways again. While I'm not thrilled with the higher prices and diminishing service, can you please do me one little favor?

CAN YOU PLEASE FIX THE LOWER LEVEL, EAST SIDE ESCALATOR AT ROSSLYN? Twice in one week I have been walking down this apparatus and one of the risers collapsed inward on me, much like the recent accident at Foggy Bottom.

Want to save some money? How about avoiding law suits resulting from someone falling through the escalator and keep up with the maintenance, huh?

Your friend,

Captain Diplomacy

Buy.com "Customer Service"

Apropos of the Mad Martian's first post (how'd your first time feel?) ;)

I recently ordered some server equipment from buy.com.  (A server rack, a caster/wheel set for it, cage nuts, and mounting screws.)  Four items total.  The first item weighs around 110 pounds, so must be shipped via ground.  Okay, no problem.  That particular item was also backordered on Amazon for "three to four weeks" so I took a shot and ordered it on Buy because it was (allegedly) both available and $75 cheaper than Amazon, even with Amazon having free shipping and Buy charging $21 for shipping.

BIG MISTAKE.

All four items supposedly shipped on 2/24.  Red flag number one:  Only the 1 lb "cage nuts" received a tracking number.  They said "large, bulky items may not receive a tracking number."  Oooookay.  I received one email for the cage nuts saying they'd shipped, and one email for the other three components (about 2 hours apart) saying they'd shipped.  I thought - GREAT, I should be able to put it all together this weekend.

Here we sit on March 5th.  I've received... the cage nuts.  Three days ago.  Which, incidentally, does me a whole lot of good without the other three items!  I contacted Buy's "Customer Service" on 3/3 at 8AM, using the "Where is my shipment?" option.  They claim it will take 24 hours to respond and investigate normally, but up to 48 in the cases of missing shipments.  And that only includes business days, of course.  I love when you contact a company and the answer to every question is "we will have to investigate."  Let's see... it says it shipped.  What carrier did you use to ship it?  When is the estimated delivery date?  Why isn't there a tracking number?  The fact of the matter is I've ordered things from all over this fine country of ours, and even if it was shipping from the northwest corner of Washington state, it should be here by now if it shipped on the 24th.  Our country is great, and large, but it's not Siberia we're talking about here.  

So, Buy... you're on notice.  The clock is ticking for you to make this right and make me happy.  And you better believe I'll be on the phone with you at 9AM on Monday if I don't have a response by then, with my wrath at the ready if necessary.  I've always erred on the side of being nice with the customer service reps, but as I learned in many an epic battle with Comcast - sometimes, you have to use the hammer!

On the bright side, since they shipped separately, I have a nice neat line item on my credit card for the other three items to dispute with my credit card company if they don't make this right.  And at this rate, I should have just ordered it from Amazon.  Even waiting two weeks it probably would have been here "Buy" now!

The Hunt for good customer service...

Let’s say you make an appointment with your local dealership to have an issue fixed on your car and they say due to the type of issue you don’t need to schedule an appointment just bring it in immediately to have it fixed. The issue was a tire leak. It simply wasn’t holding air for more than 12 hours at a time.

Okay – so I get to the dealer and they take the car in right away, but they don’t talk to me for another 20 minutes about the car. I see this as normal behavior, but as I mentioned to the lot boy who processed in my car that I have a hard stop time two hours from this point. The service manager who spoke to me said he would do his best to meet this requirement. I reiterated to him that this wasn’t a negotiable item as I had to pick up my daughter from daycare before they closed. At this point he stated that he understood the situation and would insure that it got done on time.

An hour passed and word came from the service area that my wheel was cracked and needed replacement. This was within 30 minutes of the hard stop time and the technician working on this said it would take only another 10-15 minutes to get it done and out the door. The service manager concurred with the time assessment. I gave them the green light to replace the wheel and expected my car in said time.

Okay, now 30 minutes has passed. I’m at my hard limit and I’m walking to the service manager to determine where my car is and why it is taking longer than stated. He had no clear explanation for me, but said he would check on it. He didn’t leave his seat for 20 minutes and didn’t make any calls in this time frame either. So now, I’m livid. I start to look for a “higher up” manager, I didn’t care who I just wanted someone who could light a fire to get me out the door. By the time I locate the appropriate manager, ~ 10 minutes I see my service manager trying to get my attention. He says that my car is done and that he was going to walk me over to the cashier to expedite the process. Bear in mind that I’m now over my hard stop time by 45 minutes and my patience is completed gone and now I’m just memorizing all of the events so I can explain the situation to the appropriate people at a later time. I’m worried that I won’t get to my girl in time and now I’m going to incur additional expenses because I’m late getting my girl.

Everyone and I do mean everyone at the dealership oversold their capabilities! This type of behavior is utterly unacceptable and should be reprimanded with a thousand lashes. Nothing is more important to me than someone’s word. If you state that you can deliver on a promise you damn well better make good on your word. Otherwise, you are simply a liar and someone who can’t be trusted further.

Bottom line – customer service is at an all-time low and I’m experiencing this at an alarming rate. Note to all those in the service industry – GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT IN LINE! I’m tired of the excuses.

It's a race against time...

Now that the IRS has gotten off its ass and allowed for those using Schedule A of Form 1040 to file, it's a race against time!  What will happen first, will the government shutdown or will the IRS process the refunds?

An interesting note - in the event of a government shutdown, the IRS only processes those returns that include payments. - apparently that is an "essential function".  Getting a refund?  BOHICA.  "Non-essential."

And, a special F-U to Congress.  Great time to take a recess, you useless asshats.  I love the brinkmanship, and I really love that you're playing games with a barely-recovering-economy by threatening to put hundreds of thousands of federal workers on involuntary furlough.  Really, THIS is your recovery plan?  Screw you.  Screw you all, you are all the same useless bags of gas and bullshit.  Democrat, republican... same shit, different designation.

The real dilemma:  who do you vote for, when you think everyone sucks equally?  

I've Got A Lot Of Names For These Things

And, well, the plural form that Toyota has just announced wasn't one of them:

Toyota Says Plural of Prius is "Prii"

Well, whatever you want to call these hideous contraptions, if I MUST be forced to set eyes on one, let it be from this point of view:

Parking on P1 - it's a privilege, not a right!

Today, my day STARTED OUT pissing me off (as you may or may not have
seen from my Tweet earlier).  Roll into the garage at 7:45AM, and I'm
behind a red Prius who decides to attempt to park on P1 in a compact
space.  Really, not an issue, it's a Prius, this should be easy,
right?  WRONG!  It took her, I sh1t you not, at least FIVE minutes to
back her ass into this f-ing parking space, even with the guidance of
our garage attendants who are frantically waving at her because now
she's backing cars up the entrance ramp because, you know, it's
morning rush hour?  And, because no one can see her but me (as she was
about 7 spaces from the right turn of the entrance) they all seemed to
think I was just sitting there for some unknown reason, so they sit
there blowing horns and sh1t.  Really, asshats?  Yes, I'm just sitting
here for no reason... in the middle of the ramp, not moving... I
figured what the hell, this seems like a good place to park!

Protip:  If you cannot reverse-park quickly and efficiently, do not
park on P1 right near the entrance first thing in the morning!  Drive
your shit down to P3 and take as long as you want to park your f-ing
toy car.

--
Sent from my mobile device

"Seemingly every other day, I raise my angry fist to the skies..."

The title of this post is from this WP article today: A noon appointment with a Bahamas beach.

If there was ever a more fitting quote for this blog, I haven't found it.  And I'm not just talking about winter in general, although that definitely makes me angry, as my posts here will attest (the snow, the driving, or lack thereof, etc.).  But really, it's broader than that.

Last week at work was a perfect example.  I've had more than one person complaining that a certain regulatory filing is due on Valentine's Day, and that was apparently really messing with their schedules.  (Including one who told me it was interrupting his skiing vacation with his mistress in Vail, Colorado.  Yes, you read that right, not wife, mistress!)  The previous two years, the deadline wasn't Vday, but that's simply because it happened to fall on a weekend those two years so the deadline was automatically extended, per the federal regs.  And yet, somehow, it's my fault that it's on Vday?

Real talk:  I got so annoyed with one of them not understanding the deadline that I actually made this person get a calendar, open it, and count 45 days from December 31.  "Oh, you end up on Vday?  Yes... that's right... and that's why it's the deadline!  I don't make the rules, I just have to follow them!"  Gah!

It seems that everyone seems to have spent January jacking off, then decided when they rolled into their offices on February 1 that "Oh, better do some work!" - WTF?  It's been an absolutely brutal month so far.  Here's hoping that springtime comes soon, and with it... less insanity and fist shaking!  (Although I tend to doubt that last part...)

The Return

Well welcome back to my deviant mind. I had to go away for a while to hone my anger and distaste for everything and everyone around me. let's start with a quick little list and let it simmer.

1. Death I hate you! how dare you attempt to take things i enjoy and then stay your hand from people who obviously need a good killing!
2. Twitter enough said
3. Peanut Butter long have waited to destroy your lineage
4. Ticks (who came up with this F-ing retarded bug) i mean really thanks for the Lyme ass
5. tipping at the carryout counter REALLY isn't that why you drove your ass up there in the first place and now you feel guilty and are going to steal seconds from my life!
6. People who cant add while tipping at the counter!
7. Crab grass! You started the war and now i am going to nuke your A!
8. The i-phone 4 and Verizon! Verizon if your going to get the i-phone make it the 5!!! i don't want you lame ass non 4G old ATT tech. "But but It must be great its from Steve Jobs." F you mindless apple heads.
9. Democrats and Republicans your all in it together you thieving bastards!
10. Ice storms

Edge out

Another Country(man) heard from...

OK, I know, it's been a while since my last contribution. Let's just say shit hit the fan in Q4 2010 for me and leave it at that.

While we were gone, I wound up buying a new (to me) car. It's a 2006 MINI Cooper S, with a proper 6 speed manual gearbox. The sucker is fast as hell, as you would expect for anything this size and weight packing a supercharged and intercooled engine (see below).



Apparently MINI wasn't content with its success at hitting the mark on what a proper sports compact should be. So they come along with this hideous contraption:



Meet the Countryman, folks. And there's nothing "mini" about it. Now, on it's own, this wouldn't be a terrible vehicle. For an SUV, it's small, has good interior space and gets decent gas mileage. About the only thing lacking is that it only seats four, as it has a gimmicky full length center console. The big issue with this vehicle is its name. MINI. Why bother getting a vehicle like this if it completely misses the whole point of buying from a particular marque? Anyway, I rest my case. There's no point in being long winded about things when I know that I'm right. While picking up some parts, I made certain to voice my opinion of this vehicle to the fine folks at Princeton MINI. "It creeps me out."

So while some Americans are thinking they're cool because they figured out a way to own a MINI and an SUV at the same time, enthusiasts like me know better. Time to book passage for my original Cooper S to Germany so I can hit the Nürburgring and eat some Porsche 911s for lunch in the corners. Like this:

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

Well, here we are at halftime. At least I can be secure in the
knowledge that the Giants aren't the only NY football team that's not
making the Superbowl.

(Not that I've forgiven the Giants for their pathetic performances
against the Eagles or Green Bay, but that's a story for another post,
along with the ridiculousness of a 10 - 6 team not making the playoffs
while a 7-9 team wins their division... Nice job, Suckhawks!)