Virginia DMV: FAIL!

Apparently the Virginia DMV computer system (along with various other
Commonwealth computer systems) has now been down for a week. No
driver's license renewals are possible.

However, as of today, our brilliant state government decided to start
exempting tickets to people for having licenses that expired in the
last week. (For tickets written earlier in the week, even though it
was the same problem? Too bad, so sad, tell it to the judge.) While
I am a firm believer in being prepared, and not waiting until the last
minute to get things done, since in my line of work that's a good way
to not see tomorrow, it's really unfair to those citizens who are
accustomed to popping online, hitting "renew" and going on about their
day.

Maybe this is how VA plans to close its budget gap! "Sorry, your
license/permit for XYZ activity has expired. Sorry, there's currently
no way to renew because our computer systems are down. Here's your
Violation Notice. Please pay $200. Sorry, no ETA on when you can
renew. So you will remain in violation and continue to be fined until
we get around to fixing it. Have a nice day!"

Most citizens direct interactions with their government at both the
state and federal level are minimal. However, why is it that EVERY
state and federal agency seems to become more and more incompetent as
the years go by and their budgets tighten? There is no better way to
encourage anti-government rage when the average citizen begins to
loathe, with good reason, every interaction with their "duly elected"
and apparently wholly incompetent government, be it federal, state or
local.

Welcome to America, land where we used to be free, used to be brave,
and now we pretty much just bend over and take it, especially from our
government.

My New Favorite Hobby...

Submitting comments to federal agencies for the Federal Register. Let's see how many four letter words I can let slip through the cracks! My first missive is directed towards the Environmental Protection Agency in response to their ridiculous new fuel economy labels for new cars (see my post earlier today):


Dear EPA: I'm glad to see that my tax dollar is being well spent on asinine projects like this fuel economy label. No doubt countless man hours were spent thinking up these fancy new graphics. Exactly how many pieces of silver is required these days to encourage the average EPA employee to screw in a light bulb?

There are some glaring oversights with the proposed labels. First, the labels for electric and hybrid vehicles fail to account for any kind of long-term cost involved with the replacement or servicing of the battery. Anyone who uses a cell phone, laptop or even something as simple as an electric razor knows that battery performance decreases with use over time. With decreased battery performance comes decreased driving range for electric vehicles (EVs). Besides the performance of the battery, when it comes time to replace it for a new one, what are the monetary and environmental costs of battery disposal? This is not accounted for on the revised label.

Second, the following statement in the update is troubling: "Despite several requests to put the charging times for EVs and plug-ins on the label, the agencies left it off, since they have no standards for measuring it." Nothing screams “politically motivated” more than that statement. Is it really that hard to calculate charging times? The last time I checked, this can be figured out by dividing the capacity of the battery by the charging current power output of the charger.

Third, why do these labels remind me of the terror alert chart? Did you all consult with the guys over at Homeland Security on this project? Why does the EPA think the American public is so mentally challenged that we need colors and grades to make an informed choice about what is, for many, the second most expensive purchase one will make? There are a million other sources of automotive research at our fingertips besides the EPA Fuel Economy labels that can help steer consumers towards a wise purchase.

Then again, this whole proposal makes sense because of one simple feature on these new labels: the QR code for smart phones. For those without a Mensa membership, it is a convenience relied on by many as an intermediary between themselves and reality.

Screw Carmax. This is car purchasing made simple...

Hold on to your hat. Below is what the bureaucrats decided to tackle this week.

Revised fuel economy rating stickers for new cars! Check them out here, and leave your comments on the ruling for the feds!

Revised Fuel Economy Labels

An example of one of the proposed stickers:



In other words, green means bad (Prius), orange means good (Maserati). Sweet. Makes it a whole lot easier!

We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You A Message From North Korea...

Public Policy 101 by Captain Diplomacy

You ever wonder why no one cares about politics anymore? Have you read the news lately? Note, I said READ because TV news is purely for entertainment purposes. I avoid talking politics 99% of the time because it is too divisive. However, it's gotten so bad that I had to say a few words. As usual, I will not bitch without offering up a solution, no matter how controversial. Consider it my short treatise on government:

1) You can't print money without side effects. It's not a matter of if, but when inflation will hit when the monetary supply increases. I like to use the following analogy...you can eat as many bananas as you want. Eventually you'll have to take a shit. It won't be pretty. Until the housing beast is dealt with, either in terms of writing off the debt or a bunch of people taking it on the arm as they should (i.e. those who bought shit they knew they couldn't afford), well, we're going to continue to have, as Kurtis Blow would say, hard times. And those are the breaks.

2) Before you vote on some shit, for Christ's sake, learn how to pronounce it correctly (i.e. nuCLEAR versus nuCUlear). Solution: take a goddamn grammar course you imbeciles.

3) Term limits. Two or three four year terms would be enough, allowing for an elected official who loses after their first term to come back and try again in the future. A classic example of played out politicians is Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania. After almost 30 years and losing the primary, he's still whoring himself out to try and land a gig at 1600 Penn. Ave. Yo pal, take a hint, no one in Pennsylvania wanted your ass anymore. Same with Charles Rangle in New York. Forty years of parlor tricks and using rent controlled apartments for business purposes just isn't enough. Had to come back for more, EHHHHH?

4) Voting the other way doesn't solve anything. Anyone who says "OH I'm going to vote Republican this time around and everything will get better" is a fucking idiot. Vote for who represents your values the best, regardless of party. And folks, haven't you noticed that every four years it's that same damn carousel of choices? Voting is like choosing between airplane food and hospital food. They both leave you with the same aftertaste and bad side effects.

On a visit to Austria in 2008, I was intrigued that Parliament was dissolved because they were deadlocked. Yet, a month or two later, things went back to normal, elections were held and business resumed. An enema like this is just what Congress needs right now. Shit, no business has been going on there for quite some time. They're always jammed up worse than the infamous Thanksgiving constipation of 2006 that I endured. So let's move beyond this two party bullshit, dissolve this ineffectual body and get some more perspectives to sidle up to the table.

5) Before you raise taxes, look at your spending first. The last thing you want to do is piss off the electorate who voted your ass in that sorry seat in the first place. As an example on a local level, let's look at my home, Philadelphia. Just this week they announced that bloggers would require to register for a business license, which would cost $300 for a one time fee or $50 a year.

This FU tax comes at a time when an insurance company settled for $250,000 in a harassment case involving the embattled Housing Authority chief, Carl Greene, who, oh, by the way, just defaulted on the mortgage of his over $615,035 house and was recently in to the IRS for a little over $50,000. Did I mention the guy makes $306,370, with a $44,188 bonus? That is more than Mayor Michael Nutter, Governor Ed Rendell and Housing and Urban Development Chief Shaun Donovan.

The cycle of abuse doesn't end with Greene. The director of the Philadelphia Free Library, Siobhan Reardon, makes close to $200,000 a year at a time when library services are being scaled back and branches are being closed. This leaves knowledge-hungry students with no place to go after school. As a librarian myself, this both pains and insults me. But wait, there's more. It was just reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer that the School Superintendent, Arlene Ackerman collected six days of vacation pay ahead of schedule. This comes on top of a $338,000 annual salary and $65,000 performance bonus. If she stays through next June, she'll get a $100,000 retention bonus.

Dignity needs to be restored to public service. These people are no better than common mafia shylocks, running the streets and shaking people down for a sawbuck when they can least afford it. As long as this behavior continues, I will have absolutely no respect for this government of ours. I love the United States, but I hate this government. We've gotten off track and need to steer it back in the right direction. Until such a correction happens, onward goes this (#$%&*%) thing of ours.

Screw Hybrids in the HOV

To the bitch in the hybrid Lexus SUV on the Dulles Connector Road early this morning who decided that the point where one lane drops off is a good opportunity to pass me when I'm moving as fast as traffic will allow without ramming the car in front of me: F-YOU.

If I had an older car that I cared just a little bit less about, and had a little less regard for my own safety, I would have boxed you out and ran your ass straight into the m-fing guardrail, hopefully with the intention of you flipping your Lexus over and watching as it burst into flames, Hollywood style.  Speed limit in the construction zone is 45.  You pulled your stunt at about 80, in traffic, with no room for error, and running out of daylight as your lane dropped off basically into my car.  And then I watched with amazement as you cut in and out of traffic, causing near-misses and people to slam on their brakes each and every time, down the length of the Connector.  But before you managed that, I hope you enjoyed me riding your @ss, brights flashing, inches off your rear bumper.  You wanna play?  Let's play, bitch.  My car outperforms your sloppy-handling, high center of gravity hybrid - and I sure as hell can out accelerate you.  And you obviously couldn't judge quite how large your precious Lexus was.  Was that a little fear I detected behind those sunglasses as you kept checking your rear-view mirror?  Hmmmm?  Little concerned maaaaaybe you'd pissed off the wrong hombre this time?

Whoever the hell thought "Let's give hybrids an HOV exemption!" in the General Assembly in Richmond needs to be sentenced to hell, aka driving to work in NoVA on "HOV only" roads up here now filled with smug self-entitled asshats like the bitch I encountered this morning, driving solo in their hybrids that get worse gas mileage than every single one of the non-hybrid vehicles I own.  This area now has more Toyota Prii per-capita than even San Francisco, and I assure you it's not because of the styling of the car (at least, I hope it's not) or the amazing performance.  It's for the HOV exemption, which was supposed to have expired years ago, but gets extended year after year after year by the General Assembly.

The Virginia General Assembly treats NoVA as its piggy bank, funding the rest of this bass ackwards, stuck in the 19th century "we put the SOUTH in SOUTHern" state.  And, year after year, the powerless NoVA delegation bends over and takes it up the pooper without lube, because they're powerless to do anything about it.  Our roads suck, our mass transit options suck, and of course our traffic sucks.  But there's 12 lane interstates around Richmond, and 4, 6, and 8 lane highways out in BFE, Virginia that get paved and then repaved every single year, because they have to spend the appropriated money on something.

To all the drivers of hybrids with the cute vanity plates like "HOV-1" , "I-66 4ME" , "EXEMPT1" - and to all the Prii that I slalom around every single morning on my commute to work as you go 54 in the left lane while another Prius goes 53 in the right lane right next to you, rolling roadblock style - one of these days, someone's going to have that older car, and that "screw this, I have good insurance" attitude, maybe they won't be having the best day, and they're going to get fed up and not take anymore of your bullsh1t.  And when that day comes, enjoy the flames, bitches.

Idiot Clients

Clients,

First, let me explain something to you.  You cannot pay us in kangaroos.  You cannot pay us in rice.  You cannot pay us in worthless stock, or worthless stock options.  You cannot pay us in pandas.  Or wallabies.  Or moose.  Or snow.  Or oil.  You can only pay us in cold, hard, american dollars.

Second, if you come to us asking for something as a client, be it an engineering design, production and implementation of that design, or assistance with the US regulatory regime for your chosen industry, we will do our very best to assist you.  We expect to be adequately compensated for that effort.  However, while we are experts in our field, we cannot express an opinion on the seven other fields for which you need assistance, and for which we are not qualified to express an opinion.  To do so would be not only misleading and lead to a poor outcome for you, but it is also malpractice for us.  It does not matter how many times you ask us an accounting question, or how many ways you ask the same question - we cannot answer it.  We are not accountants.  We are not doctors.  We are not stock brokers.  Because we are unable to answer these questions, that does not make us "unqualified" and does not relieve you of your obligation to pay us for the effort we've expended on your behalf, answering all the questions we are in fact qualified to answer and which we have dutifully fulfilled our obligation to answer.

Third, if you're in over your head, we will tell you you are in over your head.  Just because you received  advice from someone else prior to our involvement who may have sent you down the "wrong path" does not obviate the fact that we've done the work which you've asked us to do, and we expect to be compensated as such.

/end rant

Oh look, it's raining again!

Dear VDOT,

When trying to clear your ever-present construction zones (For the Dulles Metro, the HOT highway-robbery lanes, or whatever your pet project of the decade is) of storm water, you know where you should NOT direct the outflow pipes for the aforesaid storm water?  ONTO THE ALREADY FLOODING FROM POOR DRAINAGE ROADWAY.  Also, cleaning the storm drains and grates from the construction debris every now and then might help the situation.  I know, it's a novel concept... give the water somewhere to go and it will not form a three or four foot deep swimming pool.

Not only can you morons not figure out how to build a road with proper drainage, but you insist on pulling stupid stunts like this.  And then, to add to the misery, you have idiot Virginia drivers like these who apparently think their morning commute to work is like Oregon Trail, where they are supposed to try and float their car across the river.

To the asshole in the Saab...

...who was dogging it in the left lane at approximately 5:10pm on Wednesday, August 18, 2010, and then flashed his lights at me after I passed him in the right, UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AND I HOPE YOU DIE OF CANCER OF THE EYES.

And to anyone else in DC and the surrounding area that wants to fuck with me, I'll ride your fucking ass all the way home in the left lane, IN THE RAIN that oh so scares all of yooz, then get out of the car and bash your fucking knees in with my Louisville slugger so conveniently placed in my trunk.

Driving 101: Lesson Two

Question 1: There have been severe thunderstorms in your area, and
widespread power outages have resulted. You are on a six lane road,
and off in the distance is an intersection with another six lane
road. The traffic signal is dark. As you approach this intersection
do you:
A). Say to yourself "Hmm, no light. Cool!" and continue speeding toward it.
B). Slow down and proceed with caution through the intersection.
C). Treat the dark signal as a four-way stop sign.
D). Stop well in advance of the intersection, quaking with fear over
not knowing what to do.

The correct answer, my fellow asshats on the road, is C. That's right,
even you, Mr. Metrobus driver who thought the answer was A and almost
caused a multi-car accident in the process. I'm used to your disregard
for all things resembling traffic laws, so I anticipated your
shennanigans, but others less experienced than I in your asshattery
apparently did not.

Since Maryland has a power grid that fails at the mere sight of a
cloud, you'd think all these MD-tagged cars in DC would know the
answer to this question. But apparently not, even though it is in the
MD driver's manual. Of course, I'm not sure it's translated properly
in the Spanish-language version, so maybe that's the issue...

And, I'm not letting you off the hook either, Virginians. You're just
as likely to not be paying attention as you talk on the phone and
drink your coffee and not bother realizing the person in front of you
is stopping at said intersection. Or worse yet, hitting your horn
because you're an impatient me-first asshat who can't figure out why
the "moron" in front of you is stopping.
I hate sharing the road with 99% of you. To the other 1% - be careful
out there. Now, where's that turret?

Now watch this drive...

I'll admit, I've pulled some crazy shit on the back nine in my day. However, Charles Barkley and his golf swing take the goddamn cake.

UPDATE: Metro Access Van

Driving home from work today, I encountered a Metro Access Van going 35 mph in the LEFT LANE of Rt. 123. I got a nice little break in traffic and cut the jackass off with force.

Payback's a bitch, assholes.

Glad to see that WMATA is up to their usual hijinxs

Here's another entry for the annals of the Piss-poor Drivers' Academy. It was a typical Thursday morning other than the short, heavy rainfall around 7:30am. I was about to turn right onto Glebe Road from Fairfax Drive until, OH HI THERE, a Metro Access Van pulls out from a side street right in front of me and proceeds to block the turn lane for me and about ten other folks behind me. Meanwhile, there was a Ford Explorer taking up about two car lengths in the lane that the aforementioned public transport miscreant was trying to merge into. See rain soaked photo below for a detail of the cluster fuck in question:



The light turns green. Guess what happens next? The Explorer moves over to the turn lane after sitting around playing with himself for several minutes. Then again, the Explorer did have Maryland tags so I'll refrain from making any more fun because their citizens are mentally retarded.

Back to the Metro Access Van. Who uses these things? The ones I see are always empty. The van did have a number on it's rear door to call in with complaints. I decided I'd do society a favor and lay off, because if I would have called in, the end result would have resulted in the cops waiting at my apartment building this afternoon, just like how they came for Jet Blue attendant Steven Slater two hours after the incident on the tarmac.

the non angry post

Carnival you have exceeded my expectations! I was concerned as to your service your food and your patrons. I have to put a positive for all three. Although, you will never see this "Phillip the cabin boy" you rocked the house. I don't know how you work 12-15 hours a day and keep a genuine happy smile on your face! You made the day just a little bit better with your sunny disposition. Individuals stateside make 20 times the money and are miserable bastards. The only issue/glitch was that you had a poker machine vs a dealer. And guess what the freaking machine broke before i got a chance to play. To make things even better you didn't have a backup plan for the tournament. Although, this did allow for more quality time with the wife. Anyway, I plan on hitting the cruising style again due to the convenience the style and the Damn good food.
Sincerely

The angry happy edge!